My friend Kelli asked me this question recently. I thought, in my very blogger way, I’d answer it publicly. First off, let’s get physical, tee hee. I feel like a broken record saying this, but, here goes, I’m t-i-r-e-d. With the heavy blood loss sustained during my surgery, I am struggling to keep up, energy and oxygen-wise. To put it into perspective, when I was a blood donor at Children’s Hospital in Denver, I was eligible to give one pint of blood every fifty-six days, the length of time to fully replenish it in my body. I lost three times as much during my surgery, so I think I have quite a while before I’m not tuckered out performing normal activities.
Thankfully, my incisions are feeling better by the day (though still very Frankenstein-ish), and the only times I experience serious discomfort are when I sneeze, a cat jumps on my tummy, or I jump or jog, even a little bit (like power walking/dashing down the street to get to my dentist appointment on time). So, I still have a bit more time before I can exercise like I used to.
Now for the emotional. I am pissed! I am pissed that I can’t do what I want when I want. That window needs to be opened or cleaned or whatever, but I can’t do it. Same goes for the laundry, mowing the lawn, sweeping (I made a mistake by doing this too early), and vacuuming. I hate dust bunnies!
I am grateful. I am grateful for my good health, all considering, before the surgery. Had I been out of shape and overweight, my very complicated surgery would have been made much more so, as fat in the belly makes it even harder for surgeons to do their work in a safe and precise manner. Also since I was in shape before, I am not suffering nearly as much as I would have to recover. Oh goodness, I can’t imagine it being worse than it already has been. Seriously people, it’s been HARD. I am also grateful for all of the wonderfully kind and supportive people on my block, across the country, and here in blogland. I don’t think I have ever written so many thank-you notes or shed so many tears of wonder at how tenderhearted and caring people truly are. You are amazing!
I am irritated! I am irritated that people have criticized me for having my uterus, fallopian tubes, and right ovary removed at such a young age, even though they were utterly deformed, absolutely useless, and a source of tremendous pain. I shall never make an apology for this. I am in charge of my body. I am irritated that I have gross pimples, headaches, and sleepless nights from taking all these hormones. I am irritated that I can’t go to Nia class, lift weights, or spend a morning practicing yoga.
I am in awe. I am in awe of my dear, sweet, funny, and talented doctor. When faced with the mess that was my insides, she did her best to fix me laparoscopically. When the blood loss was too great and my life was at stake, she completed the surgery in the safest manner possible and rid my body, for the most part, of the source of the excruciating pain I’ve endured for years. I am in awe of my superstar husband. He has been so tender, patient, loving, funny, and kind through what has been a VERY difficult time for us both. Bless his gigantic heart, I love him so.
I am ready. I am ready to start anew, to experience a life without so many limits, in boundless joy.
That’s it. Really. How are you?
p.s. The dog pictured above is not ours but a friendly guy we met in the forest. He had no collar (fear not, his owners were nearby), so I named him Angus. Good boy!