Writing

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I know that your heart lies shattered,

Pieces strewn about the floor,

Waiting for your attention,

Waiting for your care.

Until that time arrives,

Until you have shed the tears still welling within you,

Tears for your brother and and the delicately fierce bonds of family,

Know that you are not alone.

The small hands you’ve enveloped in joy,

The eyes that have gazed upon you in admiration and wonder,

The ears that have heard your laugh and been made better by it,

The hearts touched by your caring,

Are collective souls hoping to buoy your spirit in this time of mourning

And return in small part what you have given so freely.

Well hello there friends -

I am not about to beat around the bush on this one, no way, no how.  What do you think?  Do you like it? I hope so, because I really, really do.

After all of that writing about it, I decided that if I am a Writer (notice me embracing that capital W), I better start acting like one.  Step one, business cards.  Super duper lovely and ever-so-Colleen style business cards.  Many, many thanks to Marty of Bartleby’s Letterpress Emporium (how perfect that the shop shares the name, though certainly not the demeanor of one of my favorite literary figures, too).  Ever so kind, patient (if you hadn’t noticed, I am a bit fussy), and supportive, not to mention her phenomenal talent with a letterpress brought this girl to tears, even though I promised her I wouldn’t.  Not a bad promise to break, if one must, after all.  They turned out exactly how I imagined they would:  the heavy cotton, that beautiful texture, our our humble red roofed abode (drawn by me).  They are perfect.  By the by, if you live here in Stumptown and love fine paper goods, do pay her a visit.  Her printed cards are exquisite, really.  The shop is just a charming place to wander, too.

Okay, getting to the second step now, full speed ahead.  I will also be attending the Willamette Writers Conference in August where I hope to wow someone into representing me.  So, for the next month, I will be polishing  my manuscript, honing my elevator speech, typing up dazzling query letters, and generally believing that I can do this.  You know what the wonderful part is?  I am not afraid.  I am ready.  I am worthy.  I am talented.  I am a good writer and a terrific person.  Why wouldn’t someone want to represent me?  Okay, I just ventured into Jack Handey territory, but that’s okay too.  I am among friends!

So, a start.  I hope you will join me on my journey.

Well friends, I have what is surely the last of the peony photos this year and a broken record alert!  Aren’t they pretty?  Aren’t they pretty?  Well they are, and these two smell quite lovely, too.  Yes, yes they do.  We also managed to get two dry days in a row to enjoy them, but the clouds are rolling in, and I’m pretty sure that means Mr. Rain will be up to his old tricks in no time, which is okay.  The little break of sun was enough to tide me over until next time.

I have no clever segue way to what comes next.  I’ve been thinking a lot about what it is that I want and how to get it.  I came to a conclusion that probably should have been obvious, but wasn’t, but now that I’ve made it, I feel as though I’ve been hit over the head with a hammer in a Bugs Bunny cartoon.  Yet, instead of stars, I am seeing what I do with greater clarity than ever before.

I have never called myself a writer.  I have always said, “I’ve written a book,” or “I’ write a blog.”  In some ways, I didn’t want to pigeon-hole myself in the “I am not what I do” way because I feel I am so much more than a single word.  I also didn’t think I deserved the title of Writer without being published.  Yet, in this way, I believe I have been selling myself short, for who will believe I am a writer, especially one who is worthy of publication, if I don’t?  It also diminished my work, made it less important.  Well, dang it, it IS important, even if only to me.

So, a change.  A “this is it” moment:  I, Colleen Sohn, am a writer.  Gosh, I got weepy typing that last sentence.  I am a writer.  I wrote a novel that I hope to get published one day.  I write a blog.  I write poems.  I dream up worlds.  Words dance in my mind and through my finger tips.  They are alive, just like me and you.

That felt good.  Thanks for reading.  I love sharing my writing with you!

Without intending to, I’ve been on a bit of a reading hiatus.  I’ve started a few that I actually intend on finishing, but just couldn’t fully get into them.  Thankfully, dear Julia came to the rescue.  I put my name in the library queue for this last year, probably in September, and it finally made it to the top of the list.  This can be blamed on the fact that, if you look at the sticker on the cover, I read the LARGE PRINT edition, of which there is only one copy.  But, alas, as silver linings abound under this red roof, the book arrived in the right state, at just the right time.  I felt so gloomy last Monday, wondering about my life.   Then, when I started to read this boisterously large print, it was like having Julia’s effervescent personality reading aloud to me, the words bright, lively, and heartfelt. The two of us sat in my favorite chair, while she told me all about  her remembrances of la belle France, delicious food, and the perils of finding direction a bit later in life, for much like me, Julia Child knew what she didn’t want before she knew what she wanted, and then everything just felt right.

The story moves in time, from her first view of France at Le Havre, at the age of thirty-six, to her last day, closing up her beloved getaway La Pitchoune for the last time in 1992.  From her first meal to her last, Julia describes, in glorious detail, what a joy it was for her to discover French food and immerse herself completely in the mind boggling detail of its creation, the painstaking formulation of recipes, and testing, so much testing!  Batch after batch of mayonnaise down the toilet, yet totally worthwhile for the knowledge and pleasure it brought her.  She also writes about the perils of the publishing world, of working so hard for so long only to wonder if anyone, beyond her loved ones, would ever see the merit of her work. (Gulp.)

Though I certainly got a kick out of her love for all things French,  in and out of the kitchen, it was the relationship between Julia and Paul that resonated most with me.  They were such a delightful pair: witty, caring, and fun, too.  They gave marvelous parties, sent charming Valentines (they weren’t organized enough to send cards at Christmas), loved each other beyond measure, supported each other through thick and thin, and were, quite simply, the best companion each could ask for.

A bit of humor and wonder in the end.  The picture shows the lunch I was enjoying as I was reading.  I set the book down, and realized, what I was eating – a kiwi, carrot, sliced spicy pickle, and a breaded Quorn patty, slathered in homemade “Come Back” sauce (mayo, yellow mustard, ketchup, and pickle relish) and topped with pickled peppers.  Though I made the pickle and the relish, the irony of my choice, and Julia’s certain horror, made me laugh out loud.  Truth be told, I can be a very lazy cook, and thought I might be doing the world and the environment a favor by eating Quorn.  It’s vegetarian and doesn’t make me feel awful, like soy.  Now I’m not so sure.  The stuff is made in England.  That’s a tad further than the farms where New Seasons gets their chicken (as our friend Hans would say, “Which is more worser?”).  With that in mind, I felt inspired to make and freeze some chicken with various seasonings for other lazy lunches.  I think she would approve.

When I was a teacher and a student approached me, bemoaning the fact they didn’t know how to start a particular essay, I would say, “Just begin.  Write a sentence, a paragraph, the same silly word over and over again, see what happens.”  I find that I am having to take my own advice today.  I don’t know quite what to say.  Lost..Lost. Lost..Lost.  Sad. Sad. Sad..Sad.  Disappointed.  Disappointed.  Disappointed.

And now I begin.  I feel lost.  I don’t know what to do about my life, and, in particular, my writing.  The other day, I was in the car with the hubster; I do not even recall what the conversation was about, and he said, rather matter of factly, “You’re not writing a second book.”  My stomach lurched.  “I’m not?”  Am I?  I don’t know.  I haven’t touched it in a year.  I think about it every day.  The characters do new and surprising things,  they change their minds, increase in boldness, but I don’t write a single word of it down.  Sometimes I would like to blame it on this space here and my desire to keep it going, but I really don’t know that it is true.  If I really wanted to write, I’d do it.  I’d stay up late (at least for this granny), like I did with my first book, bleary eyed and enthusiastic and feel the words flow from my fingertips.  Then, just when I couldn’t do any more, I’d watch Craig Ferguson before retreating downstairs and cuddling with the hubster.

I feel sad that I want so much more than I have, especially when I have so very much.  I want my body to look like the idealized version of it that is in my head.  I want to be a famous and financially independent novelist (Reading is Sexy!) who turns her awesome book into an Oscar winning screenplay.  When I win, I want to stand on stage, in the aforementioned perfect body of my imagination, wearing a stunning dress that Tom Ford designed just for me, tell the hubster he is BETTER than sliced bread and George Clooney and sing the praises of believing in your dreams.

I am disappointed that I have sent out over thirty letters to agents and publishers and only had one even remotely interested in representing me.  I am disappointed that I haven’t had the heart to send out a letter since December.  I am disappointed that it always seems I can see my dreams, smell them even, they are so close, yet impossibly out of reach.  I am disappointed for sharing this with you.  I always meant for this to be a positive and uplifting place, full of possibility and hope, but the truth is, I truly feel lost, sad, and disappointed.

Maybe there is, as appears in the photo, a silver lining.  Maybe, I just  need to make a clearing (I’ve heard this a lot lately) for whatever it is that I am supposed to say, be, do, or feel.  Maybe, I need to be okay with not having answers, being sad, and just wondering.  Maybe, just maybe…

Flow

The loudly simmering whirlwind renders

Golden bolts of bronzed shelter.

Knotted, but paradise.

Mossy, ruby ladder

Running cold.

Roses ramble,

Watching music, night, and rain.

Colleen

I peer out the window as the car pulls up in front of the house, five humans tumbling out, tired and travel weary.  I am weary, too.  I wonder what might become of this weekend.  Mere days before insides will literally be taken out, via three small incisions.  That point continues to be emphasized.  Three small incisions.  No one has to know.  But they do.  I am a truth teller, truth sharer.  I can’t help myself – the girl can’t help it.  Well, mostly.

I keep from my friends that I am terrified of three young things in my house, onto my furniture and floors.  They laugh and smile and one cries, uncertain of this under a red roof house.  It’s okay; sometimes fear lives here, too.  The bear is broken, and the fear is replaced by something softer, lighter: joy.

The trio makes eager, thumping sounds as they descend stairs.  Their voices carry, and they like the television loud.  I see their small bodies, clothed in character jammies.  I remember Underoos.  They happily munch cereal and watch the birds and bees.  One night under a red roof under their belts, a beautiful, hot day ahead of them.

The day whirls and twirls, a burger at the outside diner, an old friend and a boy whom I once knew crawling, not talking.  Now his words and thoughts roll and rock as steady as a boat at sea.   His hair is long, nearly covering his eyes, though his mother’s eyes, too, that brilliant, beautiful blue.  They both look at me, but, for the eyes, it’s really just like one.  Oh no, I’m late!  I’m late, for a very important date!

My mush mind is home again, and we dash to THE appointment.  The one that spells s-u-r-g-e-r-y.  There is a lot that will happen and other bits we sincerely hope not.  I take a tissue, but only squish it in my hand.  I  d o  n o t  c r y.   I am not afraid.  It is almost here, and I am not afraid.  There are marvelously beautiful people that surround me: doctors, nurses, family, and friends.  They make phone calls, send beautiful cards, give giant bear hugs, write sweet comments, all brands of love to keep me afloat in appreciation and wonder.

Milestones.  Triplets frolic in a fountain.  A sweet boy sits on my lap.  Dinner at the Country Cat.  A tooth is lost.  My heart is broken apart by the love of small children.  We sip cocktails and eat splendid food.  Drowsy adults talk until there are no words left.

Morning comes.  We eat and scurry.  Our caravan climbs the hill to Forest Park, vistas and trails await us.  Green and lush, filled with voices of excitement and a hush that is wonder.  A giant banana slug.  Spiders. Ferns. Birds.  We search for the letter “K.”

More hugs and a departure.  The house is quiet, and we wait.  Tomorrow is the day.

Summer

Summer -

time of perfect days,

long and joyous,

sun high over the horizon,

heady scents on the breeze,

a smile of contentment on my lips.

Wonder

A murder of Crows

Makes a terrible noise.

A warm wind whips the curtain to life,

And grey clouds fill the summer sky.

Bees buzz and zip,

Certain of their destination,

While I, with wonder, happily stand by…

It’s Alive!

Words create sentences; sentences create paragraphs; sometimes paragraphs quicken and begin to breathe. Imagine if you like, Frankenstein’s monster on its slab. Here comes lightening, not from the sky but from a humble paragraph of English words. Maybe it’s the first really good paragraph you wrote, something so fragile and yet full of possibility that you are frightened. You feel as Victor Frankenstein must have when the dead conglomeration of sewn-together spare parts suddenly opened its watery yellow eyes. Oh my God, it’s breathing, you realize. Maybe it’s even thinking. What in hell’s name do I do next?

Stephen King

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