Thinking

You are currently browsing the archive for the Thinking category.

This is It…

June 8, 2010 in Being, Inspiring, Learning, Thinking, Writing by Colleen | 5 comments

Well friends, I have what is surely the last of the peony photos this year and a broken record alert!  Aren’t they pretty?  Aren’t they pretty?  Well they are, and these two smell quite lovely, too.  Yes, yes they do.  We also managed to get two dry days in a row to enjoy them, but the clouds are rolling in, and I’m pretty sure that means Mr. Rain will be up to his old tricks in no time, which is okay.  The little break of sun was enough to tide me over until next time.

I have no clever segue way to what comes next.  I’ve been thinking a lot about what it is that I want and how to get it.  I came to a conclusion that probably should have been obvious, but wasn’t, but now that I’ve made it, I feel as though I’ve been hit over the head with a hammer in a Bugs Bunny cartoon.  Yet, instead of stars, I am seeing what I do with greater clarity than ever before.

I have never called myself a writer.  I have always said, “I’ve written a book,” or “I’ write a blog.”  In some ways, I didn’t want to pigeon-hole myself in the “I am not what I do” way because I feel I am so much more than a single word.  I also didn’t think I deserved the title of Writer without being published.  Yet, in this way, I believe I have been selling myself short, for who will believe I am a writer, especially one who is worthy of publication, if I don’t?  It also diminished my work, made it less important.  Well, dang it, it IS important, even if only to me.

So, a change.  A “this is it” moment:  I, Colleen Sohn, am a writer.  Gosh, I got weepy typing that last sentence.  I am a writer.  I wrote a novel that I hope to get published one day.  I write a blog.  I write poems.  I dream up worlds.  Words dance in my mind and through my finger tips.  They are alive, just like me and you.

That felt good.  Thanks for reading.  I love sharing my writing with you!

Zippy Chocolate Cake with Cherry Sauce

March 29, 2010 in Being, Cooking and Baking, Eating, Learning, Thinking by Colleen | 3 comments

Another, equally satisfying title to this post could be Yum, or Perfection.  Indeedy.  Chocolate and Cherries are hard to beat.  Something else that is hard to beat is sensibility.  If you’ve been reading for a while, you know how I wrestle with sugar, or, at least, how I have wrestled with it.  I am bad, weak, unhealthy, (insert other appropriate adjective), for eating the stuff.  I spent a lot of time on it, A LOT.  Many hours that, no doubt, added up to days of my life fretting about my consumption of sugar and how I really needed to let it go and be a better, stronger person.  Heavens to mergatroid was it ever taxing, and to what end?  Did I ever actually stop eating sugar?  Not for any extended period of time.  Did I ever feel better about myself for being my own persona non grata every time I consumed it?  Certainly not.  It was just ugly self-flagellation.

So now, in hopes of being kinder and gentler to my whole self, not just the parts that I’ve idealized, I’m going to eat it and do my darndest not to criticize or second guess myself for it.  If I so desire, I’m going to bake a cake, have a slice, and REALLY enjoy it (well, if it tastes good – I do have standards).  I don’t want to halfway enjoy it while simultaneously beating myself up for not being strong enough to say no or whatever.  I am laughing at myself as I type this!  How silly and schizophrenic I have been.  Life is meant to be enjoyed.

So, to the cake.  I call it zippy because it comes together very quickly and the sauce cooks while the cake bakes, so you can eat it warm from the oven.  I love that – impatience and deliciousness in one go.  I can’t remember where I first saw a recipe like this, maybe the Moosewood Cookbook?  It is vegan, moist, and delicious.  And, since this is the kind of gal I have become, I used whole wheat flour in place of some of the all purpose.  If I can make it a little healthier while still being utterly yummy, I’m going for it.

Zippy Chocolate Cake

1 cup whole wheat flour

1/2 cup all purpose flour

1/3 cup cocoa powder

1/2 cup sugar (So sorry!  I left this out the first time.)

1/2 teaspoon baking soda

1/2 teaspoon salt

1/3 cup vegetable oil

1 cup cold water or coffee

2 teaspoons vanilla

2 tablespoons apple cider vinegar

Preheat oven to 375.  Grease an 8″ square pan.  Sift dry ingredients together in a large bowl.  Combine wet ingredients.  Mix wet and dry together quickly until smooth.  Pour into prepared pan.  Bake 25 – 30 minutes, or until a toothpick comes out clean.  If you use the whole wheat flour, this may take longer.  It’s okay.

Serve plain or with fruit sauce (raspberry, peach, blueberry, strawberry, or plum would be good, too!).  I used my recipe included with pancakes, here.  It is also good frosted or sprinkled with powdered sugar, and eaten out of hand.

Enjoy!

Cloudy Monday

March 22, 2010 in Being, Thinking, Writing by Colleen | 6 comments

When I was a teacher and a student approached me, bemoaning the fact they didn’t know how to start a particular essay, I would say, “Just begin.  Write a sentence, a paragraph, the same silly word over and over again, see what happens.”  I find that I am having to take my own advice today.  I don’t know quite what to say.  Lost..Lost. Lost..Lost.  Sad. Sad. Sad..Sad.  Disappointed.  Disappointed.  Disappointed.

And now I begin.  I feel lost.  I don’t know what to do about my life, and, in particular, my writing.  The other day, I was in the car with the hubster; I do not even recall what the conversation was about, and he said, rather matter of factly, “You’re not writing a second book.”  My stomach lurched.  “I’m not?”  Am I?  I don’t know.  I haven’t touched it in a year.  I think about it every day.  The characters do new and surprising things,  they change their minds, increase in boldness, but I don’t write a single word of it down.  Sometimes I would like to blame it on this space here and my desire to keep it going, but I really don’t know that it is true.  If I really wanted to write, I’d do it.  I’d stay up late (at least for this granny), like I did with my first book, bleary eyed and enthusiastic and feel the words flow from my fingertips.  Then, just when I couldn’t do any more, I’d watch Craig Ferguson before retreating downstairs and cuddling with the hubster.

I feel sad that I want so much more than I have, especially when I have so very much.  I want my body to look like the idealized version of it that is in my head.  I want to be a famous and financially independent novelist (Reading is Sexy!) who turns her awesome book into an Oscar winning screenplay.  When I win, I want to stand on stage, in the aforementioned perfect body of my imagination, wearing a stunning dress that Tom Ford designed just for me, tell the hubster he is BETTER than sliced bread and George Clooney and sing the praises of believing in your dreams.

I am disappointed that I have sent out over thirty letters to agents and publishers and only had one even remotely interested in representing me.  I am disappointed that I haven’t had the heart to send out a letter since December.  I am disappointed that it always seems I can see my dreams, smell them even, they are so close, yet impossibly out of reach.  I am disappointed for sharing this with you.  I always meant for this to be a positive and uplifting place, full of possibility and hope, but the truth is, I truly feel lost, sad, and disappointed.

Maybe there is, as appears in the photo, a silver lining.  Maybe, I just  need to make a clearing (I’ve heard this a lot lately) for whatever it is that I am supposed to say, be, do, or feel.  Maybe, I need to be okay with not having answers, being sad, and just wondering.  Maybe, just maybe…

Guest Blogger G: “Rose Colored Glasses”

July 24, 2009 in Admiring, Being, Giving, Learning, Loving, Receiving, Thinking by Colleen | 2 comments

Mount Hood is always a good photo to play with

Mount Hood is always a good photo to play with

Colleen and I are often “accused” of having rose colored glasses on. It used to be something I felt guilty for, as if I didn’t have a grasp on reality. I now view this ‘trait’ as something to embrace since there are many events in life beyond my control.  Sometimes the only thing I do have the ability to shape is my view. Colleen is fond of saying “I’m not driving this bus”, and I agree.

A shift in perspective can be a powerful thing. As I look back over the past year and a half, it has been a little bit of a roller coaster and I thought I would share some of my hospital reflecting…

Colleen’s Surgery

This was a fairly serious body change for Colleen and obviously at the forefront of our lives at the moment. With the amount of endometriosis, it is probably one of the more invasive hysterectomies that a person can have.  (Actually, the hysterectomy was a small part of the procedure.  Think trying to free up taffy growing inside you that has been twisting your organs for 20+ years.)

With glasses: I have a lot of hope that Colleen will feel a good sense of freedom from the abdominal issues that she has suffered with. After all, the whole point is of all this is to make things better than they are now.  I’m hopeful she will enjoy her time in Colorado without having to worry about serious cramping and pain this September. From a “me” perspective, the event has been a great chance to be able to help someone I love who can’t help herself.  It is a great gift to be able to make a difference in her recovery and feel that much closer to her.

Job Changing/Economic “crisis”

I have changed positions three times in the last year, gone from having a large chunk of vacation to having to fight to get a chance to help Colleen for a day or two, and taken a fairly significant financial hit.

With glasses:I now work for a functional company with people I enjoy being around. My commute is smaller. I am not making as much and not as able to save as much, but a good portion of the 401k savings went up in smoke anyway!    My work is much more varied now and I really enjoy this variety.  My boss and colleagues are pleasant and I feel a strong desire to truly help the company I work for grow and improve.  I find myself very content and intrigued with the possibilities that the future holds.

It is certainly not always easy to find a positive perspective on perceived ‘bad’ situations but I have enjoyed the challenge and awareness that comes from the search.

I think I will put my glasses on now and rest near my lovely wife as she does some healing…

Taste of Cherry

May 29, 2009 in Spotlighting, Thinking, Watching by Colleen | 1 comment

This past weekend we watched Taste of Cherry, a splendid Iranian film from director Abbas Kiarostami.  The story follows a man Mr. Badii (masterfully played by Homayon Ershadi) on what may be his last day of life.  He is on a quest to find a man willing to place the final shovelfuls of soil over his body after he commits suicide.

It is a very meditative film with long stretches of time spent with Badii as he drives and drives his Range Rover through the streets of Tehran and the surrounding hillsides, searching for just the right man.  Over the course of the day, he finds men of various ages, nationalities, and beliefs about suicide, and attempts to sway them into his favor.  You need not worry; there is little repetition in this, as the various conversations form a single thoughtful narrative.

As someone who has suffered from suicidal bouts since the fourth grade, I could appreciate the steadiness of Badii’s desire to end his life as well as the longing to meet it with a certain dignity.  Perhaps it is also why, when I asked Gregory if he would do as Badii requested and he said “No,” I already knew, without question, that I would.  I know that pain.  That being said, this, for me, was ultimately an uplifting and hopeful film, for isn’t it marvelous when you can connect with the right person at just the right time?  I think so.

Millions of Peaches and a Little Problem

May 21, 2009 in Cooking and Baking, Thinking by Colleen | 3 comments

I love that song by The Presidents of the U.S.A.  I also considered Blame it on Peaches as a title, a nod to the the movie Blame It On Rio.  I’ve only seen bits of it with a very young Demi Moore in a bikini and Michael Caine sporting what looks like a tight perm.  What is it with the 80’s and perms anyway?  I’m not judging, as I had my fair share of them (done at home with neon pink and blue rollers).  I’m just wondering why we thought this was a good idea.

As you can see by the photos, this post is not about music, the 80’s, or perming one’s hair.  It’s about PIE, and to be precise, peach meringue pie, the hubster’s favorite that I make.  I like it, too.  I wish I could remember where I first saw a description of a pie like this, but I can’t.  I do remember being excited to go home and make my own, however.  Now you can, too.  Here’s how it goes:

Peach Meringue Pie

Crust

Buy or make your favorite pie crust, enough to line a tart pan or a 9″ pie plate.  I’m rather partial to Martha Stewart’s recipe from her classic book Pies and Tarts.  I love a buttery crust.   Cut a piece of parchment large enough to fit the pan with a bit of overhang then fill with pie weights or dry beans (I keep a container of them expressly for this purpose).  Bake at 450 degrees for 8 minutes.  Remove the parchment and beans as carefully as you can – the paper will likely brown and turn very brittle, like mine did.  As well, and as you can see, it will be hard to get everything out without spilling the beans, tee hee!  Bake an additional 5-6 minutes, or until golden.  Cool.

1-2 tablespoons chocolate chips

Melt the chocolate chips.  I put them in a metal measuring cup over low heat on the stove top.  It goes pretty quickly.  Brush the melted chocolate over the pie crust, though not on the exposed edge.  This helps prevent the custard from softening the crust.  Don’t worry, you won’t be able to taste the chocolate.  Though, if this worries you, white chocolate chips are certainly an option.

Filling (make while the crust bakes)

2 tablespoons corn starch

1/3 cup sugar

2 cups milk

3 egg yolks, beaten

1 teaspoon vanilla

1 teaspoon butter

Mix the corn starch, sugar, and milk together in a medium saucepan over medium heat, stirring constantly until the mixture starts to thicken and bubble.  Cook another two minutes and remove from heat.  Mix 3/4 of a cup of the hot milk into the egg yolks.  Pour back into the pan, mix well, and return to the heat, stirring until it bubbles again.  Cook another two minutes, remove from the heat, and stir in the vanilla and butter.  Sometimes I like to add a little powdered ginger here.  It is a wonderful complement to peaches.  Allow to cool.

Meringue

1/4 teaspoon cream of tartar

1 teaspoon vanilla

3 egg whites

6 tablespoons sugar

Beat the egg whites, cream of tartar, and vanilla together until the mixture starts to form mounds.  Add a tablespoon or two of sugar at a time, thoroughly incorporating it before adding more.  If you add too much too soon, it will be runny and unusable.  When you are finished, it will be thick and glossy beautiful!

2 -3 peaches, sliced

Though I used some left over compote this time, I usually line the crust with fresh peaches.  Top with the cooled pudding then the meringue, making sure you get it to the edge, so it won’t shrink while baking.

Bake at 350 for fifteen minutes or until golden brown.  Though it will be very tempting, allow to cool before serving.  Enjoy!

Now to address my little problem or the emperor’s new clothes, so to speak, me and this durn sugar addiction.  I’ve eaten it twice this week!  Once for Bunco – I made a delicious buttermilk bundt cake with a praline glaze and peach compote (hence the left overs) and this pie.  I can’t invite people over without giving them sweets, thus requiring me to buy ingredients and bake a cake.  Since I had the leftover flour, sugar, and compote, hate being wasteful, and know how much the hubster loves this pie, I could think of no other logical conclusion but to make it and eat one slice.  Would Spock be proud or look at me in wild wonder?  Gosh, I don’t know, but I’ll bet he’d enjoy a slice of pie or cake while we discuss it.  Alas, I’ll take it day by day.  There is always tomorrow.

Oh yes, I can’t forget to say – Happy Birthday Sarah and Becky!  Happy Anniversary Bridget and Eric!  You’re all wonderful people who bring the best kind of sweetness into my life…

Melancholy or Maybe Not

March 18, 2009 in Being, Feeling, Thinking by Colleen | 2 comments

Hello friends -

I hope your day is going well.  It is a beautiful one here, sunny and warm enough to have the windows open, cats lying in various belly exposing prostrations.  Very nice.

I wish my disposition were more like the weather, to be frank.  I am a little melancholy thinking about yesterday – the one year anniversary of the completion of my novel, Polite Society. It is a bit strange to think that I finished it that long ago.  The worst bit, and the one getting me down, is the fact that none of the many agents or publishers I submitted my work to has opened their doors to me, grabbed me by the shoulders in utter delight and said, “This is great!  Let’s get it published!”

However, as I sit with this and wonder what it really means, what I really want, I’m not so sure.  I finished a novel.  I really did, one that makes me proud and giggly at the same time.  That fact will never change.  As for what I want, sometimes I think it is money.  Other times, I think it is about having people read what I believe is a magical story.

Speaking to the money part, I have never made much, ever.  Most of the time, I am okay with this.  Other times, like today, I only look at myself in disappointment that I’m not contributing financially to our household.  That being said, when I was working for a dollar, I wasn’t very happy, actually quite crabby, a little bitchy, and awfully whiny.  Writing, however, I really like.  I love the conversations in my head, the accumulation of words and ideas.  Oh yes, I like it very much.

Why then, do I get so hung up on this?  Being happy is much better than having a paycheck.  Besides, how would having more money change my life, anyway?  Greg and I already live comfortably.  We spend wisely and have no debt besides our mortgage.   We travel, watch movies, eat good food, give to charity.  What else do I want?

For a while, I thought it was a house in the country, but have since realized that, social girl that I am, I would be a bit lonely.  As for our house, maybe we would finally get our bathroom refinished.  It is old and quite ugly.  The carpet upstairs isn’t it the best shape, and the basement isn’t finished.  So I guess I would like those things to be done, but I can’t say my quality of life would be drastically improved should this happen.

Now about people reading my work.  That’s already been done by several friends and some strangers.  (An aside here, my friend Maria did a great job of finding many, many typos here recently, some of which I had already corrected, many not.  I am very grateful.)  Anyway, everyone likes it, and I don’t believe any of them to be liars.

I guess the real problem is my silly head.  The only time I feel upset is when I start comparing myself to other people or idealized versions of myself.  In the grand scheme of things, I am the only one who can make me happy, ever.  No amount of people reading my book, money, or success can change this, not one bit.

Oh goodness, finally, I am smiling.  More money and a popular novel might make my bathroom look nice,  take me on a book tour, and give me a slot on the New York Times best seller list, but it won’t give me what I already have:  a wonderful marriage, a great home in a city that I love, good friends, cute and cuddly cats, the list goes on.

I think what is really on order is a bit of patience and some kindness toward myself.  There is no rush here.  If the doors open, I’ll be delighted.  If not, I’ve already got it pretty good.  Thanks for listening to me work it through.

Talus then Light in the Dark

March 15, 2009 in Feeling, Thinking by Colleen | 1 comment

In a perfect world, this post would be a short film.  You would see me lying in bed, eyes dark with the fatigue of my thoughts, deep in conversation with the hubster.  The soundtrack would be “Come to Me” by Bjork.  Do it if you can.  See me, hear my voice, put on the music.

I’ve always been a pretty introspective person.  I listen, sometimes too well, to the world, my inner thoughts and feelings, analyze them, ponder how to move forward.  Usually, it is a seamless process and I move like a leaf drifting joyously in the current.  Other times, I feel more like I am tumbling hard down a talus slope where certain death awaits me.

At these times, I find more questions than answers, none of them easy.  I look at my life, deeds, and words and make a vain attempt to piece together something valuable from a collection of days that seem so insignificant.  Is this how everyone feels, but only few share it?

Then, as grace would have it, I got an answer.  My friend Bridget e-mailed me, saying this afternoon felt like one for a movie, so we headed over to the Laurelhurst to see Synecdoche, NY.  The story touched a place deep in me, almost like I was hearing for the very first time, so much so, that I took my notebook and pen from my purse and wrote my impressions (thank you Charlie Kaufman!).  Yes, I was the kooky lady scribbling furiously in the dark, yet in the light, for all the questions of my day, and these past few days, were illuminated.  Here’s what I wrote:

Maybe this is what we do?  We construct what we think is.  Our life is composed of sets, real and imagined.  We play parts, but are any of them the real versions of ourselves?

Things happen over and over again.  Is it penance or just a pattern to be repeated?  We love, suffer, feel lonely, experience joy and wonder.

Can we construct our reality beforehand, make the set what we desire?

Are we dead or not yet born?

We compress memories and shift time.

Do we come to a point at which we drift, someone else’s hand at our back, gently guiding us, giving us our words?  Is this happening now?

I got answers and questions, but mostly a sense of relief.  Yes, Colleen, we all do this, in similar and vastly different ways.  You will encounter these questions again, but that is what life is, and until someone whispers “Die” into your ear, you can make it what you like.

13,780 Reasons to Sit In Wild Wonder

March 1, 2009 in Being, Thinking by Colleen | 1 comment

This past weekend, after contemplating it for some time, I asked the dear hubster to venture a guess as to how many days we’d been alive, independently or collectively.  As is his custom when I ponder such notions, he smiled tenderly and said, “I have no idea.”  We changed the subject without any further investigation, but the thought lingered in my mind.   Then, thanks to my marvelous friend serendipity, the habit of being posted how many days she has graced the earth, along with the place I could complete the calculation for myself (and you too!).

In these times of enormous human populations and gigantic budget deficits, digits increasing seemingly exponentially, my number feels a little small, but when I think about it in terms of what it is - actually being alive – I become quite giddy.  That is 13,780 days of living, breathing, loving, laughing and experiencing the joy that accompanies occupying this precious and sometimes mysterious skin.

The more I sit with it, the more the glory of my days shimmers and expands into a large and luminous ball glimmering on the horizon, energy that wants to spread sweetness and light everywhere it goes.

That is me.  These are my days.

Just think:

Every single day has had a sunrise and a sunset.  Every one!  Oh goodness, I swoon at all the marvelous reds, pinks, purples, and blues that have filled the sky!

Every single night, there have been beautiful stars, even if they were obscured by clouds – Orion, the Pleadies, Castor and Pollux, Cassiopeia, and the rest of the heavenly assemblage.

Every single minute of every single hour, people have died and been born; some I have known; most I have not.

Just wonder:

How many gibbous moons, eyelash slivers, and full orbs of evening light?

How many steps, hops, skips, dashes, and leaps?

How many delicious meals, slices of pie?

How many kisses, hugs, and cuddles?

How many tears, sobs, and cries?

How many songs sung and heard?

I sit here, incredulous at all that has happened in my humble collection of days, all that I know, all I have yet to learn, all that I can only dream about.  I ponder what lies just around the corner or on day 15,000 (July 4, 2012).  No matter what, I am confident and rather sanguine about this marvelous gift, how lovely just to be alive!

Keep On Keepin’ On

January 12, 2009 in Being, Thinking by Colleen | 1 comment

I know, so cheesy for a title, but I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately.  I used to believe that once I made it over a hurdle that was it.  I was done.  Then when I’d see that I was approaching that same hurdle for possibly the millionth time, I would get so bitchy, especially at myself, thinking I had grown beyond it, even though I hadn’t.

Now, with a hefty dose of forgiveness for not being the perfect being I would like and a lot of humor mixed in, I know that there are always going to be more hurdles.  More writing, creating, destroying, befriending, letting go, more yoga sessions, more people I don’t like encroaching into my space.

The cool part, however, is that I now mostly accept that I am an ever-evolving human (this is a hurdle, too!).  I can change my mind, my habits, and my jean size.  If I approach life with an open heart and mind, it is all good, sweet, and wonderful, too.  I don’t need to lament, lambast, or whine, but will when required.  I can keep on keepin’ on.  It’s such a good feeling!

« Older entries