What a Difference

I’ve been thinking all morning about the past year, the 365 days since I had my hysterectomy.  So much of what I feel is a jumble, of memories, and emotions, and wonder.  Did all of that pain and suffering really happen, and to me?  Despite the fact that I have four scars to prove it, it is hard to fathom that I ever was different from the woman I am now, one glorious year later.

For right now, all I feel is gratitude and a deep in my bones feeling that all is right, utterly and perfectly so, with the world.  Part of it is the physical progress I’ve made over the past year.  I feel so much better.  I am not in constant pain.  I’m on a very minimal dose of hormones (soon to be none, I think), and I’ve lost the weight I gained on the awful ones.  I no longer need to take iron to cope with the massive surgical blood loss, not to mention the huge deficit every time my period came calling.  I am a healthy woman, inside and out.

Most importantly, I feel an immense sense of gratitude for the ways I took care of myself by letting go.  I let go of the notion that my pain was okay, that it wasn’t interfering with my life.  Sure, I had innumerable ways of coping, of managing, but, looking back, I can’t honestly say that I was truly living.  To be even more honest, I didn’t believe I deserved to experience that other life – the one where I was a good and valuable person, one who didn’t need to suffer.  What a difference a year makes!  Now I know, and in this moment, the only moment that I have, feel truly deserving of a joyous post surgical life.

In this life, I don’t have to fix myself to be a success.  I can ask for the help of doctors, nurses, and the people I love.  In this life, I am not ashamed of what I cannot do and very proud of what I can (Write! Bake! Garden!).  I matter.  I am important. I am worthy of all that is good, great, and spectacular!  So are we all.  Thanks for being part of my journey.

Happy Birthday Buddy!  I love you!