Cloudy Monday

When I was a teacher and a student approached me, bemoaning the fact they didn’t know how to start a particular essay, I would say, “Just begin.  Write a sentence, a paragraph, the same silly word over and over again, see what happens.”  I find that I am having to take my own advice today.  I don’t know quite what to say.  Lost..Lost. Lost..Lost.  Sad. Sad. Sad..Sad.  Disappointed.  Disappointed.  Disappointed.

And now I begin.  I feel lost.  I don’t know what to do about my life, and, in particular, my writing.  The other day, I was in the car with the hubster; I do not even recall what the conversation was about, and he said, rather matter of factly, “You’re not writing a second book.”  My stomach lurched.  “I’m not?”  Am I?  I don’t know.  I haven’t touched it in a year.  I think about it every day.  The characters do new and surprising things,  they change their minds, increase in boldness, but I don’t write a single word of it down.  Sometimes I would like to blame it on this space here and my desire to keep it going, but I really don’t know that it is true.  If I really wanted to write, I’d do it.  I’d stay up late (at least for this granny), like I did with my first book, bleary eyed and enthusiastic and feel the words flow from my fingertips.  Then, just when I couldn’t do any more, I’d watch Craig Ferguson before retreating downstairs and cuddling with the hubster.

I feel sad that I want so much more than I have, especially when I have so very much.  I want my body to look like the idealized version of it that is in my head.  I want to be a famous and financially independent novelist (Reading is Sexy!) who turns her awesome book into an Oscar winning screenplay.  When I win, I want to stand on stage, in the aforementioned perfect body of my imagination, wearing a stunning dress that Tom Ford designed just for me, tell the hubster he is BETTER than sliced bread and George Clooney and sing the praises of believing in your dreams.

I am disappointed that I have sent out over thirty letters to agents and publishers and only had one even remotely interested in representing me.  I am disappointed that I haven’t had the heart to send out a letter since December.  I am disappointed that it always seems I can see my dreams, smell them even, they are so close, yet impossibly out of reach.  I am disappointed for sharing this with you.  I always meant for this to be a positive and uplifting place, full of possibility and hope, but the truth is, I truly feel lost, sad, and disappointed.

Maybe there is, as appears in the photo, a silver lining.  Maybe, I just  need to make a clearing (I’ve heard this a lot lately) for whatever it is that I am supposed to say, be, do, or feel.  Maybe, I need to be okay with not having answers, being sad, and just wondering.  Maybe, just maybe…

Pin it on PinterestShare on TwitterShare on TumblrShare via email+1Submit to StumbleUpon

6 comments

  1. sarah’s avatar

    I wish with all my heart that everyone could have the chance to read your first novel. It’s truly one of those books that i think about time to time. I am so proud of you for writing what’s in your heart!!!

  2. Whitney’s avatar

    You are such a wonderful, honest person and it is great that you can say …some days aren’t great. We all feel like that sometimes. Hang in there. You have wonderful talents in so many areas. When we lived in Iowa City, we had a couple of friends that were writers. It seemed like they were both frustrated from time to time just waiting to hear back from people. I am sure that is very hard to even think of spending time on a second book. I think of titles for books ALL THE TIME, and my idea stops there. :) Maybe a book about titles of books is what I should write. I think that Land’s End model might be a good choice for you!

  3. Mom’s avatar

    How wonderful to read the kind words of those who care and love you, whose only wish for you is to feel better, to find your way and move to the next moment. It is hard at times to make it there and the obstructions seem huge, but , on a wing and a prayer, we arrive. Love you, beautiful daughter, and please know I am here for you with whatever you may need. Things will get better…….. I know. I have been there many times myself.

    “We must also boast on our suffering,
    knowing that suffering produces endurance,
    and endurance produces character,
    and character produces hope.
    And character isn’t grown as much as it is honed,
    sharpened against life’s stones.”

  4. katherine Jensen’s avatar

    The fact that you can openly share what you are feeling is huge, Colleen, and I agree with Amber; if the Universe is sending you messages about clearing, it might be good to look at what that means for you and trust that the next step on the journey will be revealed at the perfect time in the perfect way with ease and with grace!

  5. Colleen’s avatar

    please don’t feel disappointed for sharing your journey with us – that is what blogging is all about and sometimes we forget that people visit our blogs to see our real lives, the good and the bad all together.

    my only word of wisdom is that if the universe has presented the idea of “clearing” to you multiple times lately, it is probably a good idea to listen. When I am paying attention, I find the universe sends me the right message for the moment and if I grab on things really start to happen…

  6. Amber’s avatar

    Arg, I so wish I had some profound words for you but that’s unfortunately not one of my strengths. All I know is that, at least for me, as cliche as it sounds, things always seem to work themselves out in the long run. You’re certainly not alone in wondering where life will take you… good thing so many of us are taking this journey together! :) Be well, friend!

Comments are now closed.