Mind Blowing Sanity

Sanity may be madness, but the maddest of all is to see life as it is and not as it should be. ~ Don Quixote

I’ve been vacillating between various states of madness, excitement, and sadness these past days since my diagnosis.  Madness that I am not actually insane, the pain I feel, and have felt, all these days and years is as real as the breath I am exhaling, the art on the walls, and the downy clouds in the sky.

Excitement that the pain angrily pulsing like Metallica in my abdomen will end soon.  With it will come a genuine renaissance, me without the questions, wonderings, and worryings worn like the pages of an oft read letter.  These thoughts, feelings, pokings and proddings will be replaced with a lightness in my body and an ease so staggeringly simple that I cannot quite fathom it at present.

And sadness.  Sadness that the essential parts that make me a woman and a mother, of sorts, to the cats, plants, flowers, and bees, were all these years, utterly incapable of creating a human life.  Despite the fact that I never wanted them to anyway.

Then, in this pattern, I come back to Quixote’s maddest of all and embrace my life just as it is, without shoulds.  I love this pain that causes me to question all that I know.  I love this pain that says it is okay to ask for help.  I love this pain that makes my body writhe and jerk and laugh at the sight of itself.  I love this pain that teaches me to hold closer those I love and let go of those I don’t or can’t.

Then, there is this – that my Creator had the vision and my young ears the hearing to heed the message:  You shall not have children, nor an empty life but one full of laughter, friends, song, beautiful words, and love, love most of all.

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3 comments

  1. Martha’s avatar

    Ditto what Cathy and Amber say.
    We send you all our love and support.

  2. Amber’s avatar

    I KNOW you already know this, but just because it’s sometimes nice to hear things reiterated to us… those “faulty parts” don’t have any more to do with you being a woman and mother than the hair on your head or the arms coming from your torso. Human offspring or not, you have got the mothering gene through and through. I’ve never seen anyone comfort a crying baby (Everette), or love on their cats (or tend to the plants, flowers, and bees) more than you. And your love of clothes clearly makes you 100% woman. :) Take good care, friend!

  3. Mom’s avatar

    Sometimes the most profound realization comes from the simplest truth…..

    And, love you, dear daughter, we do.

    xoxo Mom & Daddy

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