I’ve been thinking all morning about the past year, the 365 days since I had my hysterectomy. So much of what I feel is a jumble, of memories, and emotions, and wonder. Did all of that pain and suffering really happen, and to me? Despite the fact that I have four scars to prove it, it is hard to fathom that I ever was different from the woman I am now, one glorious year later.
For right now, all I feel is gratitude and a deep in my bones feeling that all is right, utterly and perfectly so, with the world. Part of it is the physical progress I’ve made over the past year. I feel so much better. I am not in constant pain. I’m on a very minimal dose of hormones (soon to be none, I think), and I’ve lost the weight I gained on the awful ones. I no longer need to take iron to cope with the massive surgical blood loss, not to mention the huge deficit every time my period came calling. I am a healthy woman, inside and out.
Most importantly, I feel an immense sense of gratitude for the ways I took care of myself by letting go. I let go of the notion that my pain was okay, that it wasn’t interfering with my life. Sure, I had innumerable ways of coping, of managing, but, looking back, I can’t honestly say that I was truly living. To be even more honest, I didn’t believe I deserved to experience that other life – the one where I was a good and valuable person, one who didn’t need to suffer. What a difference a year makes! Now I know, and in this moment, the only moment that I have, feel truly deserving of a joyous post surgical life.
In this life, I don’t have to fix myself to be a success. I can ask for the help of doctors, nurses, and the people I love. In this life, I am not ashamed of what I cannot do and very proud of what I can (Write! Bake! Garden!). I matter. I am important. I am worthy of all that is good, great, and spectacular! So are we all. Thanks for being part of my journey.
Happy Birthday Buddy! I love you!
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