Under a Red Roof ·

Melancholy or Maybe Not

March 18, 2009 in Being, Feeling, Thinking by Colleen | 2 comments

Hello friends –

I hope your day is going well. It is a beautiful one here, sunny and warm enough to have the windows open, cats lying in various belly exposing prostrations. Very nice.

I wish my disposition were more like the weather, to be frank. I am a little melancholy thinking about yesterday – the one year anniversary of the completion of my novel, Polite Society. It is a bit strange to think that I finished it that long ago. The worst bit, and the one getting me down, is the fact that none of the many agents or publishers I submitted my work to has opened their doors to me, grabbed me by the shoulders in utter delight and said, “This is great! Let’s get it published!”

However, as I sit with this and wonder what it really means, what I really want, I’m not so sure. I finished a novel. I really did, one that makes me proud and giggly at the same time. That fact will never change. As for what I want, sometimes I think it is money. Other times, I think it is about having people read what I believe is a magical story.

Speaking to the money part, I have never made much, ever. Most of the time, I am okay with this. Other times, like today, I only look at myself in disappointment that I’m not contributing financially to our household. That being said, when I was working for a dollar, I wasn’t very happy, actually quite crabby, a little bitchy, and awfully whiny. Writing, however, I really like. I love the conversations in my head, the accumulation of words and ideas. Oh yes, I like it very much.

Why then, do I get so hung up on this? Being happy is much better than having a paycheck. Besides, how would having more money change my life, anyway? Greg and I already live comfortably. We spend wisely and have no debt besides our mortgage. We travel, watch movies, eat good food, give to charity. What else do I want?

For a while, I thought it was a house in the country, but have since realized that, social girl that I am, I would be a bit lonely. As for our house, maybe we would finally get our bathroom refinished. It is old and quite ugly. The carpet upstairs isn’t it the best shape, and the basement isn’t finished. So I guess I would like those things to be done, but I can’t say my quality of life would be drastically improved should this happen.

Now about people reading my work. That’s already been done by several friends and some strangers. (An aside here, my friend Maria did a great job of finding many, many typos here recently, some of which I had already corrected, many not. I am very grateful.) Anyway, everyone likes it, and I don’t believe any of them to be liars.

I guess the real problem is my silly head. The only time I feel upset is when I start comparing myself to other people or idealized versions of myself. In the grand scheme of things, I am the only one who can make me happy, ever. No amount of people reading my book, money, or success can change this, not one bit.

Oh goodness, finally, I am smiling. More money and a popular novel might make my bathroom look nice, take me on a book tour, and give me a slot on the New York Times best seller list, but it won’t give me what I already have: a wonderful marriage, a great home in a city that I love, good friends, cute and cuddly cats, the list goes on.

I think what is really on order is a bit of patience and some kindness toward myself. There is no rush here. If the doors open, I’ll be delighted. If not, I’ve already got it pretty good. Thanks for listening to me work it through.

Talus then Light in the Dark

March 15, 2009 in Feeling, Thinking by Colleen | 1 comment

In a perfect world, this post would be a short film. You would see me lying in bed, eyes dark with the fatigue of my thoughts, deep in conversation with the hubster. The soundtrack would be “Come to Me” by Bjork. Do it if you can. See me, hear my voice, put on the music.

I’ve always been a pretty introspective person. I listen, sometimes too well, to the world, my inner thoughts and feelings, analyze them, ponder how to move forward. Usually, it is a seamless process and I move like a leaf drifting joyously in the current. Other times, I feel more like I am tumbling hard down a talus slope where certain death awaits me.

At these times, I find more questions than answers, none of them easy. I look at my life, deeds, and words and make a vain attempt to piece together something valuable from a collection of days that seem so insignificant. Is this how everyone feels, but only few share it?

Then, as grace would have it, I got an answer. My friend Bridget e-mailed me, saying this afternoon felt like one for a movie, so we headed over to the Laurelhurst to see Synecdoche, NY. The story touched a place deep in me, almost like I was hearing for the very first time, so much so, that I took my notebook and pen from my purse and wrote my impressions (thank you Charlie Kaufman!). Yes, I was the kooky lady scribbling furiously in the dark, yet in the light, for all the questions of my day, and these past few days, were illuminated. Here’s what I wrote:

Maybe this is what we do? We construct what we think is. Our life is composed of sets, real and imagined. We play parts, but are any of them the real versions of ourselves?

Things happen over and over again. Is it penance or just a pattern to be repeated? We love, suffer, feel lonely, experience joy and wonder.

Can we construct our reality beforehand, make the set what we desire?

Are we dead or not yet born?

We compress memories and shift time.

Do we come to a point at which we drift, someone else’s hand at our back, gently guiding us, giving us our words? Is this happening now?

I got answers and questions, but mostly a sense of relief. Yes, Colleen, we all do this, in similar and vastly different ways. You will encounter these questions again, but that is what life is, and until someone whispers “Die” into your ear, you can make it what you like.

The Hummingbird’s Daughter

March 13, 2009 in Reading, Spotlighting by Colleen | 3 comments

I first saw this book, rather appropriately, in a shop window in Santa Fe. I was immediately drawn to the beautiful cover. I bought it as soon as I got home, though I hardly knew anything about it. I just had a feeling. Thankfully, my intuition didn’t let me down. The Hummingbird’s Daughter is a fantastic story of knowledge, power, faith, family, and healing. It is also a story of Mexico, steeped in history, wonderful food, cowboys, outlaws, and corrupt government officials.

Luis Alberto Urrea has written a grand story based on the life of his great Aunt Teresita. It is a wonderful tale of a woman achieving knowledge about her own gifts as well as the pain and power that accompanies such an endeavor, for Teresita’s gifts aren’t of the pedestrian variety. They are miracles and mysteries, the kind that illicit the distrust of the government and devotion of the masses.

As we watch Teresita grow up, learning the ways of the curandera, we also watch Mexico change. There are new people and new ways of living: some of which are simple, like the difference between a corn tortilla and wheat, others undermine and uproot all that has been known – like the simple dusty life in small rural towns.

It is part history, part fairy tale, and entirely absorbing and interesting. I learned much about our neighbor to the south while also exploring what it means to have incredible faith and devotion. As someone who is deeply spiritual but hardly religious, I enjoyed learning about the Mexican traditions that combine a bit of mysticism with Catholicism.

Thankfully, too, the text is beautifully crafted – easy to read, full of humor and wit, very easy on the eyes. I hope you think so, too.

Tags: Books

Bliss

March 12, 2009 in Loving, Quoting by Colleen | 2 comments

It is good to be just plain happy;

it is a little better to know that you’re happy;

but to understand that you’re happy and to know why and how…

and still be happy in the being and the knowing, well

that is beyond happiness, that is bliss.

Henry Miller, The Colossus of Maroussi

Tags: Quoting

Cheated, Redeemed, and Always Delighted

March 6, 2009 in Eating, Listening, Spotlighting by Colleen | 2 comments

If you are one of my Facebook friends (I’m everywhere!), then you know that I went to see Itzhak Perlman with the Oregon Symphony this past Sunday. Above are the slightly blurred lights of the marquee at the Schnitzer, and the photo below is of the lovely interior. Man was I excited about this, having bought the tickets ages ago. The hubster and I got dolled up and everything. Then came the cheat, Mr. Perlman played beautifully for exactly sixteen minutes. Sixteen. After that, he sat in the conductor’s chair and led the symphony. Now I don’t care too much for whining, but as the sweet lady in the seat ahead of me said (and she’s been going for seventy years), “I paid to hear him play, not conduct.” Amen to that!

I wish I didn’t feel this way because the music was quite good and the rest of the players very talented in their own right, but, honestly, I’d rather cozy up on the sofa and listen to my favorite Schubert CD set, which I’ll tell you about in just a minute.

However, now is about redemption, and that is thanks to the bar at Higgins, my very favorite in town. After the symphony disappointment, we walked rather swiftly up the Park Blocks, hoping the place wouldn’t be packed. Thankfully, we were quicker than the rest of the bunch, nabbing the last booth. I ordered a Maker’s Ginger and felt much better, not that the experience drove me to drink. I’m not that kind of person, but when in Rome or a good bar, I do enjoy a cocktail.

Then, as is always the case, we enjoyed impeccable service and some pretty stellar food: smoked Northwest seafood (sturgeon, black cod, and salmon), a delicious salad, house made pickles, and a key lime tart with a hot pepper marmalade (the perfect balance to the sweet filling). I savored every last bite! Thank you Higgins for making our okay night at the symphony a super night on the town!

Now for the Spotlight I promised. It is Friday, after all.

I am a girl who likes all kinds of music, good music that is. Jazz, rock, funk, ska, rap, punk, country, classical, opera – if it is done well, I am all for it! So it should come as no surprise that today’s spotlight is on a classical composer, the always delightful Franz Schubert. He is one of those great prolific writers – composing over 1000 works in his short thirty-one years on this earth (1797-1828). I get a little weepy thinking that what I am listening to is nearly 200 years old. That’s something.

As I am a person who much prefers cheeriness over gloom, the Complete Works for Piano and Strings of Franz Schubert fits me like a glove. Robert Schumann famously said of Schubert’s Piano Trio in B-flat, Opus 99: “One glance and the troubles of our human existence disappear and all the world is fresh and bright again.”

I could not agree more. This is the perfect music for a sunny day or one where the clouds make you wish for it. Additionally, the total playing time for both discs is more than two hours and twenty minutes. You can easily while away an afternoon or evening, happily dancing about. Give it a try; I have on more than one occasion and am much better for it.