I don’t really know where to begin with this post, as it is not a garden variety topic.  It is kind of serious, a little bit sad, a little bit funny, and exciting too.  I’m just going to jump right in.

The truth is, I have suffered, and quite silently, most of the time, from pretty excruciating menstrual pain for more years than I care to remember.  If that weren’t bad enough, as I got older, the duration of the pain became increasingly longer and l o n g e r until I was in pain more days than not.  The real coup de grace came about six months ago, however, as I entered a new and not so terrific permanent state of pain.   Like Karl Malden and American Express, I never leave home without it, no matter how badly I would prefer otherwise.  Sometimes it is bearable, and I can be my usual cheery and silly self.  Other times, I swear I know what it feels like to be violently stabbed, have my flesh slowly pierced with hundreds of tiny nails, or to sit for hours on a railroad spike, no matter how many ibuprofen or glasses of whiskey I consume.

After more than ten years of small successes combined with big setbacks to combat the pain, I decided it was time to pull out the big guns to get to the heart of the problem (I can be a s l o w learner).   An MRI was ordered, and I dutifully went this past Monday.  The diagnosis I expected was endometriosis, what I got was far more grand.  As my doctor said, “You hit the jackpot: fluid filled fallopian tubes (bilateral hydrosalpinges), hyper engorged ovaries (bilateral endometriomas), a faulty uterus (adenomyosis with a large adenomyoma), as well as pelvic adhesions (no fancy term needed).  It’s no wonder you hurt so much.  For most women, one of these can cause horrendous pain, and you’ve got them all.”  Ouch indeed.  For some reason, the first words out of my mouth in response were, “So my junk is no good?”  A bit bewildered, she said, “Yeah, your junk is no good.”

After a good laugh at my word choice, followed by a few tears and a couple tissues, we got down to business.  Without question, I will need surgery. This will happen some time in July, as my doctor is quite booked up at the moment.  The parts I need most will be salvaged as best as they can, and I will come out of it a period-free, and, fingers crossed, pain-free woman.  Those last bits are the exciting part.

Additionally, the irony of my bad junk is not lost on me, the woman who has never wanted children.  Did I send or receive some sort of message as an eight-year-old?  An interesting question, one for the ages.

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When I was a little girl and had pancakes for breakfast at a friend’s after sleeping over, I always wondered why their mom or dad’s version tasted so much different than my mom’s.  For the most part, they were exactly the same size, shape, and golden hue (though never as fluffy).  Additionally, the syrups tended to be the same, though sometimes I was surprised with a Mrs. Butterworth’s (fancy!) or in the case of Janet Womack’s mom, the use of plain corn syrup instead of the fake maple I was accustomed to.

Finally, after not being able to puzzle it out and always enjoying the pancakes at home over anywhere else (besides Grandpa’s – he used the same recipe), I asked my mom about it the next time she made them.  “Well,”  she said, “they probably use a mix and mine are from scratch.”  “Oh.”  “Yeah, it makes a big difference.”  Indeed it does.  Here is my variation on the recipe that makes a big difference, given to my mom by my Nana, my Grandpa’s mom.  I’ve also included myriad variations at the end – they’re all delicious.

Pancakes from Scratch

1 cup flour

pinch salt

2 teaspoons baking powder

1 egg, separated

1 cup milk

Sift dry ingredients together, set aside.  Add egg yolk to the milk in a measuring cup and stir.  Beat the egg white until it is stiff but not dry.  Mix the dry ingredients and the milk and egg yolk mixture together until smooth (do not over beat).  Gently fold in the egg white, doing your best not to deflate the mixture.  This gives the pancakes a wonderfully light texture.  I won’t insult your intelligence here.  You know how to do the rest.

Variations:

Hungry?

This recipe makes about a dozen 3″ pancakes, though it is easily doubled or tripled.  You can also make a big batch and then freeze the leftovers for a quick weekday breakfast.  Lightly toast them and you’re good to go!

Milk?

You can use any kind of milk here – soy, rice, oat, almond, hazelnut, buttermilk, whatever strikes your fancy.  Today’s photo actually used hemp milk.

Eggs?

I’ve used the Ener-G Egg Replacer with good results.  Since there is no yolk, just whip up the mixture like you would the egg white, though it won’t get as stiff.

Vegan?

Use the egg replacer along with the non-dairy milk of your choice.

Flour?

I’ve made this recipe with brown rice flour, oat flour, whole wheat, all-purpose, buckwheat, gluten-free blends, and every combination.  The results have always been good, though if you go gluten-free or all whole wheat, I’d use more baking powder (1/4 teaspoon per cup of flour) for a little extra lift.

Blue Corn?

Use a mixture of one half corn meal (very fine masa, and it doesn’t have to be blue, though it is the prettiest!) and one half all-purpose flour (or equivalent).

Like Fruit?

Banana?  Mash up a banana (small to medium size) really well (or use a hand blender) and add to the milk mixture.  You can also slice it like the apple below, but make sure the pan is well oiled.  Bananas are sticky.

Apple?  Place a slice or two on the griddle just before pouring the batter over the top, or use 1/4 cup applesauce for every cup of flour.  You may need to cook them a little longer.  Add some cinnamon and ginger, too, they’ll be yummy!

Blueberries?  Add some to the batter, or if you suffer from Colleen style anal-retentiveness (eek!), evenly distribute a small handful over each pancake just after pouring the batter onto the griddle.

Fruit Syrup?

Mix whole berries, chopped fruit of virtually any variety (fresh or frozen, though not banana), or a combination into a sauce pan.  To that, add water or fruit juice (apple or white grape are good neutral flavors, orange for contrast), about 1/2 – 2/3 the volume of fruit.  Mix in some cornstarch (usually about 1/2 to 1 teaspoon for every cup of fruit) with sugar or whatever sweetener you use (to your liking) and heat until thick and bubbly.  Add a little vanilla or almond extract and butter.  You can also add a little ginger and/or cinnamon – especially good with plum, peach, and apple syrups.

Peanut Butter?

Spread some on your pancake just before pouring your favorite syrup over the top.  This is especially good with the banana variety.  Elvis would be proud, too!

Pumpkin?

Add 1/4 cup pureed pumpkin (canned or homemade) for every 1 cup of flour  along with cinnamon and ginger, and you’ve got a fall hit on your hands.  Sprinkle with toasted pecans and hot damn – delicious!

Enjoy!

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This past weekend we watched Taste of Cherry, a splendid Iranian film from director Abbas Kiarostami.  The story follows a man Mr. Badii (masterfully played by Homayon Ershadi) on what may be his last day of life.  He is on a quest to find a man willing to place the final shovelfuls of soil over his body after he commits suicide.

It is a very meditative film with long stretches of time spent with Badii as he drives and drives his Range Rover through the streets of Tehran and the surrounding hillsides, searching for just the right man.  Over the course of the day, he finds men of various ages, nationalities, and beliefs about suicide, and attempts to sway them into his favor.  You need not worry; there is little repetition in this, as the various conversations form a single thoughtful narrative.

As someone who has suffered from suicidal bouts since the fourth grade, I could appreciate the steadiness of Badii’s desire to end his life as well as the longing to meet it with a certain dignity.  Perhaps it is also why, when I asked Gregory if he would do as Badii requested and he said “No,” I already knew, without question, that I would.  I know that pain.  That being said, this, for me, was ultimately an uplifting and hopeful film, for isn’t it marvelous when you can connect with the right person at just the right time?  I think so.

This is a bloom from the final peony I bought on my grand adventure last summer – the Bartzella!  A delight for the eyes on the eve of my sixteenth wedding anniversary.

Blessed is the influence of one true, loving human soul to another.

George Eliot

Happy Anniversary – I love you, Buddy!

There is in each of us so much goodness that if we could see its glow, it would light the world.

Sam Friend

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