Learning

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I awoke with a start Monday morning, 3:45 on the button. The vise grip of some dark apparition around my left arm. As someone with a very high tolerance for pain, I was more than peeved. I wriggled and stretched and rubbed and won that first round, drifting back to sleep after about an hour. When I rose, it had returned and gotten worse, even spreading to my shoulder and back. I felt nauseous and it became increasingly difficult to fill my lungs. Then I remembered the cheesy “Just a Little Heart Attack” video with Elizabeth Banks, and wondered if I could be having one.

I dialed the advice line quick-like, and the nurse, when I described everything, told me to get to the hospital, and pronto. “Do not take a shower!” So the hubster zip-zipped our golden chariot to the emergency room in record time. Upon my arrival, I got a wheelchair and EKG stickers in places I’d never have thought to check. Sure enough, my little heart was at a full gallop, and that damn vise was no looser on my left arm, either.

The nurse asked if there was any possibility it could be a panic attack, and to quote a recent callous observer of my life, “Colleen, you have no real problems.” I concurred, despite the fact that having no real problems does not equate with a lack of feelings, save in the observer, the biatch. Until my arm got ensnared by some unseen evil, I’d been pretty snazzy.

So, more tests. I got my blood expertly drawn, twice (no bruising!), a chest x-ray that made me feel like I’d stepped into the world of the Incredible Hulk, and, saving the best for last, an ultrasound of my left arm, because, dag-nabbit, it might smart like a heart attack but be a right and proper blood clot, for those run in the family.

And this is where I must make note of the idiosyncrasies of medical professionals. On Monday, the nurses who drew my blood complimented my good veins. “So plump I could stab it without looking.” The ultrasound tech, who joked that he learned to use the machine over lunch, said, “Wow, you image very well. Look at that valve!” Then I remembered back to my hysterectomy and my anesthesiologist uttering, “You have a beautiful spine. I would love to give it an epidural.” And, finally, the nurse who emptied my catheter bag, holding the pitcher of urine like a trophy, exclaimed, “You have beautiful pee!” It’s a different world.

And back to mine. Despite the excitement and wonder my body provided and the battery of tests and nearly six hours spent waiting and wondering, no single resolution was made. I, Colleen Sohn, remain a person without any real problems. For the sake of speculation and for someone somewhere to get a good chuckle, the likeliest source of my horrible pain? A trio of muscles, the left bicep, deltoid, and pec pulled while sleeping or applying body oil. Oh bother, and a whole week thrown off kilter.

Happy Friday!

 p.s. The photo is a detail of Richmond Burton’s “Echoing Green” at the Portland Art Museum. Pretty!

 

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Dense

Yup, them’s me boobs.  I’m putting them in your face (“Do you want a Christmas card?  Here’s your Christmas card!”) not to show off their perkiness or the pretty sweater, though it is a lovely color.  J.Crew has my number, to be sure.  No, I am putting them in your face in hopes of saving you a little anxiety.

I had my first mammogram last Thursday.  They squished my boobs good and proper.  Ouch!  Then, yesterday, in the midst of my tomato canning extravaganza (seven jars of chutney and nine jars of plain-old chopped – huzzah!), I got the call that the radiologist needed additional images.  Ugh.

I wasn’t exactly surprised.  The nice lady who took the pictures started acting different after that first picture of my right boob.  Though I certainly hoped it was my imagination.  I have a writer’s mind, you know.  I can make grand palaces of match sticks.

Luckily, they could get me in today, so I wouldn’t be sweating bullets and creating even more writerly scenarios in my fertile mind over a period of days.  As it was, I thought of hardly anything else, didn’t sleep very well, and then, when I did, I had a nightmare about being cut open while I was awake and could feel it!  Good times…

Anyhoo, I got there early and looked at Architectural Digest without really looking at it, biding my time.  Then when my name was called, and I got to the little room with the machine, I started to cry.  I did not want breast cancer.  One of my best friends just went through it, and it was no party.  No siree, Bob.  So, Diane, the technician, literally held my hand and walked me through, step by step.  It turns out my breast tissue is very thick and at certain angles doesn’t look so healthy.

She took more pictures, squishing my boob even more than the first lady.  It’s not like there’s much to squish, either, so it hurt even more than the first time. Double ouch!  Then I went back to the waiting room, had a cup of hot cocoa, wished for the hubster, and hoped for the best.

The next nice lady to help me was Kim.  She let me know that I do, indeed, have very dense breasts and with that often comes this business of double checking, but I am a-ok.  Relief!  I hugged her and cried again.  She also said to expect these kind of results in the future, so maybe I wouldn’t panic quite so much if I got a call back next year.  It’s just a precaution.  So a wish for me and you: Let’s not make mountains out of little dense boobs, shall we?

 

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Sorry, I’ve got no Bowie picture, but how about Mr. Reynolds on a natural gas outlet?  Cheeky monkey…

Anyway, happy Monday, readers!  I hope you are well and that your week is off to a good start.  Mine was a little questionable yesterday after a hacker wreaked some havoc Under a Red Roof.  Thank goodness for my superstar hubster, or I would probably still be weepy and cursing the mean people of the universe, and you’d be seeing a giant HACKED message across the screen instead of my spin on the world.

As a result of all this business, I’ve decided to no longer have comments on the blog.  It’s been a long time coming, really.  Though you don’t see them, I get a lot more spam than actual messages from sweet readers, and it was becoming a hassle.  Then Mr. Evil came along, and I decided that I’d rather not deal with it, especially if it meant the black screen of death.  That being said, I do love knowing that you’re out there, so feel free to hit the Contact Me tab, and we can chat in a more personal fashion. There’s also the Facebook, Google +, and Stumbleupon buttons at the end of the post, for those of you who want the simplicity of a click.  Here’s hoping this is a happy medium and that we can streamline the buttons in the near future, too.  Like life, it’s a work in progress!

I wish I could stay and chat a while, but I’ve got a date with a box of tomatoes – chutney anyone?

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1. Um, yes, I can spell, and, 2. This will make sense eventually.  I pondered a more silly title, like “brama,” but then thought the better of it.  People will come looking for a misspelled chicken (and a rather handsome one at that), the Hindu god, or think I’m some nut going for the Brangelina word play; bless their hearts and her bad acting, but it’s quite enough to see them on the cover of the tabloids standing in line at the supermarket, thank you very much.  So this title I could settle on, which also lets you know how much I think about such things.  It can be a whirlwind and an occasional maelstrom in this pretty little head.

Speaking of maelstroms, demolishing a bathroom is loud work.  Lath and plaster walls take quite a bit of force to remove, even when there are three fine young specimens of maleness wielding tools.  For two whole days, it was boom, boom, boom, boom,boom, boom.  It was overwhelming.  Then, during a nice stretch of quiet, while Leon the electrician was repairing some uber-shoddy work (done by a previous homeowner who fancied him/herself an electrician when idiot danger monger is closer to the truth), there was a boom so loud and fierce that it quite literally rattled my insides, followed by an equally profound silence.  My heart caught in my chest as I envisioned poor Leon lying dead in the next room.  Mercifully, he bellowed, “What the heck!  I did nothing!” a second or two later, and I could breathe a sigh of relief.  We dashed outside the house to find the source of the sound and heard the the postman holler, “It was a bird!” before seeing the body of a Starling lying motionless at the foot of the utility pole.  Somehow it managed to make just the “right” connection on the transformer, losing its young life and the block our power, for the next two hours.

The following day, when the hubster left for work, he tried to ease my mind after the previous day, and said, “Today will be quiet; they’re just digging a hole.”  It was true, a simple, two foot deep trench for our new water line (the other being eighty years old and in definite need of replacement) was in store.  But, as you’ve surely surmised from the title of the post, it was not meant to be.  I sat on the back porch, happily reading and enjoying the steady chirp of birds, when suddenly I heard a hissing sound, followed by the smell of rotten eggs that can mean only one thing.  I bolted out the gate to see our lone trench digger in a panic and my fear realized. The gas line had, indeed, been cut.  Five minutes later, the fire department arrived, sirens blaring, and I had the utterly surreal experience of watching these men put up caution tape, block off our street with three trucks, and enter my house in their full gear while being told I must remain at least fifty feet away.

I wandered a little, heart aflutter, informing the neighbors of what happened, and generally feeling strange.  I was neither afraid nor sad.  I think the right word might be detached.  It was hot, so I took shelter in the shade of my neighbor’s tree.  I admired the work of brave fire fighters and NW Natural employees.  I admired my house.  I appreciated seeing it from a different angle.   It’s funny how little we step away from our homes and see them as others do.  I thought it looked nice: the paint color, the red roof (of course), the myriad plants and trees dug into the ground by myself and the hubster.  That is our home.  I can’t go in it now, but it’s okay.  Everything will be fine.  The right people are here, helping.  Then my eye drifted to the chimney, and I saw the subject of the pictures.

Bees.  A single mass of individual energy, a gentle expansion and contraction of wings and bodies.  I felt so lucky and blessed to know they chose our house, eager to see them up close.  And so I did.  Once all the danger had passed, and the fire fighters waved their final goodbyes, I came to a spot and watched my beloved bee friends.  They came and went in an endless stream, their humming bodies maintaining the same general pattern, yet moving enough to reveal the evidence of habitation.  They had made comb. Though I am a bee lover, and would one day like to have my own hive, I knew that the side of my house would not make a suitable home over the long haul.  I made the proper inquiries to the Xerces Society and the Oregon State Beekeepers Association, and the following morning Pavel and Ivan arrived at our door.  Pavel is sixteen and an avid, however nascent, beekeeper, and our hive his ninth rescue.  Ivan is his father and serves as driver and helper.

Pavel made quick work of removing the hive from the eave, but, rather unfortunately, since the bees were so happily ensconced, (they’d probably been there for a month – I had heard them, thinking them something else, but never saw them), there was so much honey that it was rather messy, and the queen got lost in the shuffle.  During the time that Pavel and Ivan searched for the queen and we all hoped she was, indeed, alive, there was much learning and cleaning.  Learning about the intricacies of a hive and beekeeping in general.  Cleaning honey and comb, gently scraping up drenched bees and getting them near their sisters to be cleaned by them (such tenderness).   Oh, and there was a little bit of eating, too.  I took a small piece of honey-filled comb, and we enjoyed it over the next couple of days.  It was light, nearly clear, and the best I’d ever tasted.  A lovely reminder that though life sometimes brings drama in the form booms and frights, it is ultimately sweet like honey.

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So, I’ve been in a bit of a funk these past few months, mostly depressed with a chance of mild gloom and occasional laughter and smiles.  There have been ample examples of feeling the sadness switch come on a hair’s breadth after a moment of sincere joy, bursting into tears in public for no good reason, and spending long spans with my eyes squeezed shut against the world.

Some of it is a sincere longing for accomplishment in my life.  I want my novel published!  I want to contribute financially to our household without doing crap work I don’t like.  Is this ever going to happen?  Anyone?  The rest, I blame on genetics, as the melancholia, like the Force in Luke Skywalker, is strong in me.  Thankfully, it is at its menacing worst only every few years, but dang, when it is here, it’s H-E-R-E, no matter what I do.  Just in case you’re wondering about medication to get me through, no thanks.  I’ve been down that road, and it was pretty awful.  The side effects distracted me from my sorry mental state, to be sure, but certainly were not worth it.  I lost hair, felt sick to my stomach much of the time, saw spots in my eyes, felt like I was on a merry-go-round every time I sat down, not to mention the literal and rather unpleasant taste in my mouth.  It took my liver years to recover, and that, mind you, was before my fondness for whiskey!

Now, for a bit of cage rattling (like not posting a spotlight today – they’ll come when they come) and my friend Camus.  I got to thinking about myself as Sisyphus and my gloom the rock.  It should be punishment, right?  The rock is heavy and burdensome and only comes rolling back down.  But what if, like Camus, I didn’t see it as a burden but a struggle worthy of filling my heart?  That’s life, isn’t it?  It is my job to keep the rock going.  I can do it with appreciation and joy at being given another day to do it, or I can focus on poor little me pushing a fucking rock.  My choice.  I choose happiness, whatever version that may be.  A glimmer seen at a distance, a whole day of sunshine, or a fully belly laugh, I’ll take it.

I also choose to nourish myself with good habits.  Instead of beating myself up for being depressed (so helpful!), I’m really trying to just acknowledge its presence and keep moving forward.  Though the photo shows me about to indulge in a Beef Wellington (our delicious Christmas meal), I am eating healthier than ever – less sugar, less junk, more goodness.  As well, I am shaking it up physically.  The hubster and I are off to a big-band dance tonight (gotta love the Norse Hall), and, as of Monday, I started the Yoga Journal 21-Day Challenge – practicing every single day.  I am eager to propel my body and mind to a new level of fitness, grace, and ease.  Who knows, maybe I’ll push that rock right over the top!

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Twangy, lofty, earthy, and ready to party.  It’s back to school!

“High on Your Love” -  Kings Go Forth

“California Stars” -  Billy Bragg and Wilco

“Ain’t Wastin’ Time No More” – The Allman Brothers

“What I Wouldn’t Do” – A Fine Frenzy

“Search Your Heart” – Pete Yorn & Scarlett Johansson

“Big Jet Plane” – Angus & Julia Stone

“I’mma Break it Down” – Eazy-E

“Une Annee Sans Lumiere” – Arcade Fire

“I Summon You” – Spoon

“Cornbread and Butterbeans” – Carolina Chocolate Drops

“Girls” – Beastie Boys (A little trivia – according to the Oxford English Dictionary, they have the first recorded use of the word “mullet!”)

“A Pillow of Winds” – Pink Floyd

“Sigh No More” – Mumford & Sons

“So Far Away” – Carol King

“Why Do You Let Me Stay Here?”  – She and Him

“Rien de Rien” – Osi

“Love Street” – The Doors

“Dead Flowers” – The Rolling Stones

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Well hello there friends -

I am not about to beat around the bush on this one, no way, no how.  What do you think?  Do you like it? I hope so, because I really, really do.

After all of that writing about it, I decided that if I am a Writer (notice me embracing that capital W), I better start acting like one.  Step one, business cards.  Super duper lovely and ever-so-Colleen style business cards.  Many, many thanks to Marty of Bartleby’s Letterpress Emporium (how perfect that the shop shares the name, though certainly not the demeanor of one of my favorite literary figures, too).  Ever so kind, patient (if you hadn’t noticed, I am a bit fussy), and supportive, not to mention her phenomenal talent with a letterpress brought this girl to tears, even though I promised her I wouldn’t.  Not a bad promise to break, if one must, after all.  They turned out exactly how I imagined they would:  the heavy cotton, that beautiful texture, our our humble red roofed abode (drawn by me).  They are perfect.  By the by, if you live here in Stumptown and love fine paper goods, do pay her a visit.  Her printed cards are exquisite, really.  The shop is just a charming place to wander, too.

Okay, getting to the second step now, full speed ahead.  I will also be attending the Willamette Writers Conference in August where I hope to wow someone into representing me.  So, for the next month, I will be polishing  my manuscript, honing my elevator speech, typing up dazzling query letters, and generally believing that I can do this.  You know what the wonderful part is?  I am not afraid.  I am ready.  I am worthy.  I am talented.  I am a good writer and a terrific person.  Why wouldn’t someone want to represent me?  Okay, I just ventured into Jack Handey territory, but that’s okay too.  I am among friends!

So, a start.  I hope you will join me on my journey.

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Two bits of deliciousness for you this morning, pizza and cake.  I read an article on pizza in one of the fancy food magazines.  It was rather long and somewhat interesting and highlighted a small town back east that has two very famous pizza joints that have been there a terribly long time.  I guess there is quite an either/or dichotomy going on.  You aren’t, apparently, allowed to like the pizza at both places.  I have to say that I abhor (strong word, I know) rules like this.  I don’t like being told whether or not I should have certain feelings.  This is not up to other people.  It is up to me.  Anyway, as I was reading, I had this rather cinematic a-ha moment.  She and Him was playing in the background and I swear Zooey Deschanel hit a high note when I read this sentence: Let the pizza dough rise for twenty-four hours.

I don’t know how many of you make your own thin crust pizza and wondered why it just isn’t as good as those places in the article, or for the hubster and I, Lombardi’s in Manhattan, and Grimaldi’s at the foot of the Brooklyn Bridge.  I am savvy in the kitchen, but ever since taking a bite of that gooey, chewy deliciousness on an idyllic summer day, I was pretty stumped.  The crust never tasted as good as theirs, never had that wonderful texture.  Then that sentence jumped off the page, and I had it.  The secret wasn’t in the yeast or the flour or the water.  It was all about time.  Give it time. So, the day before you want your pizza, make your favorite dough.  Punch it down the next morning and let it rise again, until the oven is smoking hot (we put ours at 500) and your ingredients are ready.  Then wait for the magic moment when you slide that bad boy out of the oven and you take your first bite.  Heaven.

Though we didn’t follow our pizza with dessert – we were too full of cheese for that, I am following my thoughts on it with this delicious upside down cake.  There is a restaurant in town, which shall remain nameless, that actually has the gall to put instant butterscotch pudding as the brown sugar and butter layer.  Words cannot describe the horror of my first bite.  This is not cake; it is a travesty.  This recipe is the real deal, and, to be honest, it is probably easier and cheaper than buying that instant stuff, seriously.  You can make it with pineapple, peaches, apricots, nectarines, plums, or apples.  It’s really hard to go wrong.

Fruity Upside Down Cake

adapted from the Better Homes and Gardens Cook Book, 75th Anniversary Edition

2 tablespoons butter

1/3 cup brown sugar

1 tablespoon water

Enough fruit to cover the bottom of the pan – I used two sliced nectarines and three maraschino cherries

1/2 cup whole wheat flour

1/2 cup all purpose flour

1/3 cup sugar

2 teaspoons baking powder

2/3 cup milk

1/4 cup butter, grated with the small holes of a cheese grater

1 egg, beaten

1 teaspoon vanilla

Preheat oven to 350.  Melt two tablespoons of butter and 1/3 cup brown sugar in a small saucepan.  Add the water and stir until combined.  Pour into an ungreased 8″ square pan. Carefully arrange your fruit in a pretty pattern over the syrup.

In a medium mixing bowl, stir together the flour, sugar, and baking powder.  Add the milk, butter, egg, and vanilla.  Stir until combined.  Spoon the batter over the fruit in the prepared pan.

Bake for 30-35 minutes, or until a toothpick inserted in the center comes out clean.  Cool for five minutes.  Run a knife around the edge of the pan to loosen, and invert onto a plate.  This is best served warm.

Enjoy!

p.s.

When I called the hubster down to have some cake, he said, “Wow!  That’s pretty.  Did you take a picture?”  This coming from the guy who likes to tease, “Um can I eat, or do I have to wait for the camera?”

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I’m feeling pretty grateful Under a Red Roof today.  I received some super kind comments about yesterday’s post,  was treated to an awesome early birthday lunch at Stickers, one of my favorite places, by Petra, my friend, boss, and naturopath extraordinaire.  I received a super sweet card and gift subscription to Sunset Magazine from the best and most hardworking financial adviser we could ask for, Sean Stansfield (call him – he’s terrific!), and am loving our new fly through bird feeder with the help of my favorite Backyard Birdshop employee, Laura.  It is clearly a day for soaking up the love and caring of the generous people in my life.  Thanks everybody – your sweet ways go straight to my heart!

Add to that, the veritable cherry on the top, last night we went to our first square dance, or at least first square dance since being the age of single digits some thirty years ago, that is.  As you can see from all of the smiling, it was mighty fun, too.  A come, as you are affair, minutes from home, we twirled, stomped, did more than one do-si-do, held hands, laughed, whooped, and hollered more than I can ever recall.  We can’t wait to put on our Western wear duds and do it again.

Many thanks to the mighty talented Rabbit Foot String Band, Paul Silveria and his fine and instructive calling, and all the friendly, happy dancers, especially Etienne and the really tall guy who kept us all on track.  We’ll be seeing you!

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Well friends, I have what is surely the last of the peony photos this year and a broken record alert!  Aren’t they pretty?  Aren’t they pretty?  Well they are, and these two smell quite lovely, too.  Yes, yes they do.  We also managed to get two dry days in a row to enjoy them, but the clouds are rolling in, and I’m pretty sure that means Mr. Rain will be up to his old tricks in no time, which is okay.  The little break of sun was enough to tide me over until next time.

I have no clever segue way to what comes next.  I’ve been thinking a lot about what it is that I want and how to get it.  I came to a conclusion that probably should have been obvious, but wasn’t, but now that I’ve made it, I feel as though I’ve been hit over the head with a hammer in a Bugs Bunny cartoon.  Yet, instead of stars, I am seeing what I do with greater clarity than ever before.

I have never called myself a writer.  I have always said, “I’ve written a book,” or “I’ write a blog.”  In some ways, I didn’t want to pigeon-hole myself in the “I am not what I do” way because I feel I am so much more than a single word.  I also didn’t think I deserved the title of Writer without being published.  Yet, in this way, I believe I have been selling myself short, for who will believe I am a writer, especially one who is worthy of publication, if I don’t?  It also diminished my work, made it less important.  Well, dang it, it IS important, even if only to me.

So, a change.  A “this is it” moment:  I, Colleen Sohn, am a writer.  Gosh, I got weepy typing that last sentence.  I am a writer.  I wrote a novel that I hope to get published one day.  I write a blog.  I write poems.  I dream up worlds.  Words dance in my mind and through my finger tips.  They are alive, just like me and you.

That felt good.  Thanks for reading.  I love sharing my writing with you!

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