Remembering

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This morning, I awoke twice. The first to two cats in a skirmish over the territory that is our south yard, hollering and screeching, and generally being quite loud. We opened the window and they ran off, saving their scrapping for another hour, preferably when the neighborhood is fully awake and better able to ignore them.

The second was to the blissful sound of rain on the roof and a flood of memories. We spent last night in the guest room, hoping to avoid a repeat of the previous evening. It was windy, I daresay violently so, with all kinds of debris being tossed about and trees whipping and causing us both to have the worst possible dreams. The guest room is a sanctuary, a double bed in a cozy blanket of quiet and on the second floor, under the slope of our red roof. If you ever come to stay, you’ll be amazed at the sleep you have. Perhaps it is something about the hue on the walls, the way you settle into the mattress, or the weight of the down comforter; I’m not sure, but there is something very powerful happening there, making even insomniacs sleep like the dead.

I slept like a child, my back pressing sweetly against the hubster’s, and enjoyed much better dreams, though I do not recall them. When I awoke to the rain, events from our honeymoon, nearly nineteen years ago, came in a lovely torrent. When we met, I was planning a trip to Europe, two months of backpacks on trains and cheap hotels. Once I decided the hubster was a keeper, I asked him along. Then one thing led to another, and it became our honeymoon. We went to England, France, Spain, Italy, Switzerland, Germany, Sweden, and Finland, one of the greatest experiences of my life, to be sure.

My first memory was from the end of our voyage, in Wurzburg (sorry for the lack of an umlaut), Germany. We arrived late in the day, just as everything was closing, and as experience had taught us over the past months, we knew to buy food. There was very little to be had, some cheese and a small loaf of bread that was as dark and heavy as a bowling ball, though it probably tasted slightly better. With that in hand, we found our hotel (I just found it again(!), and it looks exactly the same: Pension Siegel). They didn’t have a double the first night, so we took two single rooms down the hall from each other. Each was very small and sweet and under a dormer, with fluffy down comforters folded in a neat rectangle over the top. I slept like a baby there, too, awoke happy, to rain on the roof, and a marvelous breakfast, which, as it happens, they still serve: hard boiled eggs, toast, bread, plain yogurt (the best I’d ever had up to that point), coffee, juice, assorted jams and jellies, and Nutella. Heaven, and probably why I am such a fan of the breakfast bord at Broder.

My next memory was of Segovia, Spain. The hubster and I, despite our marital status, looked quite young, and the very Catholic woman who ran the little hotel did not want to give us a room together, for surely these loose Americans were trying to pull the wool over her eyes. We smiled and pleaded and showed her our wedding rings. She said something incomprehensible in Spanish and wagged her finger at us before finally relenting. She escorted us to a room with two twin beds that, with a flourish, she shoved together. She then made a point to adjust the crucifix on the wall before kicking us out, so she could have her siesta in peace. We wandered, wishing for our own siesta, and found a tiny market where we bought queso con gambas and ate it on a bench near the aqueduct, laughing at the beauty and absurdity of it all.

My final memory is of Tours, France. After a very long day of riding rented bicycles to see castles:Langeais, Viillandry, Luynes, we ate a discounted bag of pain aux raisins (yum!) and drifted off to sleep. Sometime during the night there was quite a commotion, so we went to the window to look. There was thunder and lightning, as we’d expected, but there were also scores of tanks and jeeps rolling down the street, like we’d journeyed back in time. C’est la guerre! Were it not for the fact that we were both at the window, alive and very much awake, we might have thought it was some potent dream, though it does remain a mystery.

It’s funny the ways I carry these memories, or any memory, really. Some are so close and need only the slightest spark to dance before my eyes. Others are like rare treasure, which require a map, compass, and a certain mental acuity before digging scores of holes to find the tiniest of fragments that need further assembly. Either way, I am glad for them, glad I’ve so many, and that, if needed, I can utter the words queso con gambas, take a bite of sturdy bread or pain aux raisins and be twenty-two again, short haired and cross-legged on a hotel bed, and dreaming of a beautiful future with the hubster. Life is good.

 

When I was a sophomore in high school, I camped out for U2 tickets with my friend Dionne and a boy named Ed, a boy I had never previously met, a friend of a friend, who had a camper, and was as eager for good seats as we were. We met at my house the night before, a Sunday, I think, and parked next to the Peaches Records and Tapes on 72nd and Federal. We didn’t sleep a wink, both out of excitement and fear – the neighborhood being slightly sketchy, listening to U2 in the dark, tape after glorious tape, while we spoke reverently, and in hushed tones, on every manner of subject related to the band.

We got our tickets after they made the horde that assembled by morning all cross the street then run back, P.E. style. Ms. Schenk would have been proud. The effort paid off, and we got floor seats! We congratulated ourselves on a job well done, bid adieu to Ed, only to see him one more time at the show, wearing a green plastic visor with flashing lights, ensuring he’d be caught on camera while they filmed Rattle & Hum.  Though I don’t remember if he was.  It’s been a long time.

Dionne and I went back to her house, skipping school (with our parents permission – we were good girls with excellent negotiating skills), and, in hindsight, made an entirely appropriate decision to watch The Gods Must Be Crazy. For just as a Coke bottle falling from the sky is crazy, so would be the notion of camping with a stranger for tickets to hear music rather than obtain food or something life sustaining. We humans, and in particular, teenage music fans, are a funny lot.

Thanks be to the digital age, we can now buy tickets from the comfort of home or a wi-fi hot spot, with the help of a credit card and swift fingers. I learned this firsthand on Saturday, after deciding that seeing Radiohead, live and in person, is something I must do before I die.

Truth be told, I am rather surprised at myself. I never thought I’d go to a show like this again, generally preferring small venues over being jostled and lost in a crowd, no, a sea of humanity.  But being that they are in my top three bands of all time (How very high school of me!), the bullet was bit and seats procured, though for five times what I paid for a show back in the day. Ouch! It’s a different world.  Now where is Kadeem Hardison?  Maybe he can come with me if the hubster can’t…

I would be remiss if I failed to mention the instigator of my great love of music, my dad, Jim.  Growing up, he played record after record from a collection of hundreds, introducing me to a very wide world, and for which I am eternally grateful.  Thank you Daddy, and Happy Birthday!

For Keith

In seventh grade, I liked you, and we hung out at the Harvest Festival.  You took a jab at me, “Muscle weighs more than fat, you know.”  But then you offered me your coat when I was cold, that shiny red satin with Arvada emblazoned on the back and your name stitched on the front.  My heart soared, and our friendship was sealed.

Later and always, we would talk The Rolling Stones, dreaming of going to concerts, singing all the lyrics we could remember, and you doing your best Mick Jagger.  The Stones are playing as I type this, “Take me to the station and put me on a train…”  And my heart aches to think you won’t be passing this way again.

Another time, I sat in the front of Mark Carpenter’s old and lovely Mustang, discussing baseball and the fuel efficiency of speed limits while you fooled around in the back with a friend.  She would break your heart a little and in that break mine.  You deserved better.

Then, best of all, in college we ran into each other on the street in downtown Denver, sunshine and not a cloud in the sky.  The timing was right, and we spent the hours before sunset strolling the streets, laughing, talking, reminiscing, and dreaming before disappearing from each other’s lives.

I am grateful for that day and the other remembered bits, too, your sweet smile, that way you shuffled your feet, your fine penmanship, that rock star autograph, and your mad math skills.  The worst bit?  That I never told you, but hope you knew somewhere in your heart, all the same.  The Salt of the Earth you were.  May you find Satisfaction and Shelter in the sweet hereafter.

Seriously, if I spoke all of this week’s typed words aloud, my throat would hurt.  Actually, my throat does kind of hurt.  The lovely Maren, my Arts & Letters partner in crime, is in town and we’ve been having fun adventures and yakking it up, though not a single word about A&L.  How funny is that?  Our conversations take place everywhere but there.  Yakkety-yak and a jolly good time.

Speaking of jolly good times, the hubster and I spent Tuesday evening at the Willamette Week’s Secret Supper for Restaurant of the Year, Podnah’s Pit.  It’s a beyond delicious barbecue joint in a beautiful space in Northeast.  I must admit I was a tad disappointed with the choice because it is somewhere I’ve eaten numerous times and kind of wanted a new experience.  However, both of the other restaurants local eaters love and felt more deserving of the honor, St. Jack and Little Bird, are places the hubster and I have enjoyed equally stellar meals. So, no matter what, it would have been a repeat for us.  What are you gonna do?

That being said, it didn’t make it any less fun or crazy delicious.  We were lucky to be sandwiched between some really nice people, software developers and non-profiters on one side and psychiatrist wine makers on the other.  I know – interesting combination! The wine, beer, and conversation flowed, majorly (Not a word?  Really?) so, and we chatted like high schoolers in the cafeteria while digging into a meal that can only be described as epic and bordering on the hedonistic.

There was wedge salad with creamy chunky blue cheese, corn bread, mac and cheese, collards (the only item I didn’t like – I want beans with my BBQ, not limp greens!), brisket, prime rib, pulled pork, and ribs, which maybe doesn’t sound like a lot when in small portions (or if you’re a linebacker), but the plate was absolutely piled with food.  We had to get strategic so as to keep everything on the plate and still eat.  I ate all I could and felt full and belchy (classy!) until the end of Last Call with Carson Daly, which, just in case you aren’t in the know, is over at 2:35 in the AM.  That’s a meal and a half, my friends.

The photo is what we took home, the heaviest to go box of our lives: lunch and dinner for the hubster on Wednesday, a late morning snack for me, and lunch again for the hubster on Thursday.  Like I said, epic.

Part of the magic of the evening was that we knew not a soul, yet felt wholly at home with our table mates.  Portland is chockablock with neat-o people.  I love you, Stumptown.  We also had a small world moment when I discovered that one of the psychiatrists at the table (for my family – think half Joe, half Bush 43 wearing Daddy’s cowboy hat!) practices in the same building as a doctor I saw years ago.  What are the chances?

Sadly, however, Dr. Newton died just two weeks ago.  It came as quite a shock, and my heart ached at the news.  Here was this guy who helped me through a very dark period, a psychiatrist without feeling like one.  He talked about the outdoors and visiting Yosemite and getting sun in winter.  We talked about everything, big things, but mostly little things, triggers, and ways to overcome them.  Minor shifts in perspective that created great breakthroughs in my overall wellbeing.  “Instead of thinking that roadkill is dead, think of it as sleeping, forever.  Oh look, that squirrel is sleeping!”  He was the first psychiatrist to make me laugh (squirrel!) and truly help me see that I was okay and needn’t take drugs to feel better or worry so much or bury myself in guilt or doubt.  I was and would be fine.  And I am with much thanks to you, Dr. Newton.  Peace to you in the sweet hereafter.

Let’s just keep the love going a moment – thanks to you ALL for reading and being my friends.  Big hug!

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Dazzling and terrifying.  These are the words that echo over and over again in response to both the text and its author, Bee Lavender.  Goll-ee.  I remember seeing this book somewhere, maybe at Powell’s after it first came out in 2005, and being really intrigued by the cover, especially that shade of blue ink.  It reminds me of the mimeographs of elementary school and our secretary, I’m pretty sure she was called Mrs. Price (tall {or maybe just to a child under age eleven}, thin, and perfectly coiffed every day of my entire Thomson Elementary career, a variation on what Jackie O. would have looked like if she took the job), turning the crank on that blue barrel shaped machine, and making the most positively pleasant sound.  Then there was the paper immediately after, cool, slightly damp and smelling, in the most heavenly way, of whatever chemical rendered it all possible.  I’m sure it was all quite toxic and part of the reason I am the nutter butter I am today.  That said, I still loved it.

And this gem of a book, to which I am returning.  I didn’t read it then and specifically remember not wanting to.  Knee deep in the throes of endometriosis (my condition is not even a word in my lousy dictionary/spell checker {I did NOT mean endomorphism!} – that so many women suffer from such a horrible disease and it doesn’t even register as a “real” word is beyond annoying), the thought of taking on someone else’s physical pain, even via a book, was out of the question.

Were it not for Facebook, I probably wouldn’t have given it another thought.  Then Byron, a friend from my elementary school days (I’ll bet he remembers Mrs. Price, too), found me and, as I discovered from a link posted on his wall, just so happens to be married to the author.  So there you go, a message from the universe that I might enjoy what his wife has to say.

Boy, did I ever.  Bee Lavender writes about life, growing up in the outskirts of society in a place at once tender and violent, and her body being riddled by cancer after cancer, illness after illness, tragedy after tragedy, from the ripe age of twelve.

Her life is a steady succession of shocks, and though there is ample reason to feel pity for her, a teen mother, a body that will never be cancer-free, more surgeries and procedures than I can even fathom, it is certainly not her aim.  Quite to the contrary, she is the type of woman who has taken her lot, for better or worse, and seen it as greater than the sum of its parts, far, far greater.  She understands the repetition of life, the ceaseless cycles, and is ever more keenly aware of death and our proximity to it, at any given moment.

Yet, she’s hardly been afraid to live or exert her power.  She travels, dances, and drives the countryside.  She is fun and funny.  She cannot be contained.  She speaks her mind.  She shares wholeheartedly.  Dazzling and terrifying and absolutely worth reading.  In a single sitting– I nearly forgot to mention that.  I couldn’t put it down.

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