August 2009

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Yesterday was a great day.  I felt the strongest I have had since my surgery.  Feeling rather invigorated, I walked around the block twice without any discomfort and lifted some light weights.  I could even shimmy well enough that I decided I would be fit to drive today.   It didn’t matter where – the grocery store, lunch, anywhere.  I was determined to get in the car and G-O.   Too bad my body had other plans, for, despite a very good night’s sleep and a lovely bath this morning, I am exhausted, mentally and physically.  I can only stand for brief periods without feeling woozy, and my large incision feels as though someone has taken a rather dull needle to sew it up again.  On top of that, even though my narcotics consumption is limited to one pain pill when I go to bed, my mind is very much like mush.  What the heck happened?

Then I saw all the splendor out in the garden and came upon this quotation by Ben Okri:

“Don’t depair too much if you see beautiful things destroyed.  Because the best things are always growing in secret.”   Suddenly, I felt better.  Not like I could drive or miraculously be pain free, but lighter in spirit, because I know this is true.

For those of you who haven’t visited our red roofed house, we have an old fence surrounding the back yard, nearing the end of it’s life in several places.  Next to this fence is the rocky area where we park the Subaru and, despite our best efforts, cultivate many species of dandelion, clover, and vetch.  I am the first to admit that it isn’t the prettiest sight to see.  But duck under the low apple branches and open the gate and there is loveliness in every corner:  flowers blooming, food growing, birds chirping, and bees zooming.

Then I thought of my own precious body and the secrets it’s keeping from me, even when I feel destroyed.  It is healing and growing in its own time and its own way.  I need only patiently wait, and all will be revealed.

Writer and director John Hughes died yesterday.  He had a heart attack while out walking in his Manhattan neighborhood.  I hope that there was some comfort to that, in walking around the city that is home, dying surrounded by the familiar.  If I were able to choose, I think that would be a pretty good way to go, don’t you?   Then there is the enviable way that Nico died, while out riding her bicycle.  I wonder if she was singing, when suddenly it felt like she was flying, E.T. style, out of the beautiful day to day and into the sweet hereafter.  Until it is our time, I suppose we’ll never know.

I am digressing, however, for this post isn’t about dying or flying, but the films of John Hughes.  Boy did I love his movies!  When I originally started writing this post, I included details from my favorites and why they were so special, but that somehow tainted the magic of  the stories I return to again and again.  So instead, I leave you with my favorites (one might surprise you!) and your own precious memories to conjure…

Stretching

A mind that is stretched by a new experience can never go back to its old dimensions.

Oliver Wendell Holmes


This burger isn’t made with hamburger, that is.  The picture could fool you though, couldn’t it?  I had been wanting to try a meat free burger for a while and finally made an attempt at it a few weeks ago.  I hoped that I could make a completely vegan burger, to eat as low on the food chain as possible, but I just couldn’t get it to taste right or hold together to my liking without the addition of some Worcestershire and an egg.  Greg and I both really liked them, and would certainly eat them again.  The one caveat is that they smoosh out of the bun as you eat them, but you can just squish everything back into place as you go!

Yummy Homemade Bean Burgers (makes three “regular sized” burgers)

One 14 ounce can of beans, drained and rinsed (I used great northern, but I’ve seen plenty use black, kidney, or pinto)

1/4 pound mushrooms diced fine and sauteed until they begin to sweat

2 tablespoons flour

1 teaspoon Worchestshire sauce

1/2 teaspoon liquid smoke

garlic, salt, and pepper to taste

1 egg

Mix everything but the egg in a food processor until smooth.  Taste a little and correct seasoning, if necessary.  Add egg.  Make patties the size of your choice.  Heat a pan over high and and a little oil, add burger, and cook for 3-4 minutes on each side, or until evenly browned.  Now they’re ready for the bun.  Use your imagination and enjoy!

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Have you ever been at a Chinese restaurant and played the game where you add the words “in bed” at the end of every fortune?  For instance:  Something good come your way…in bed.  It is a silly way to get a laugh, made better by the often poor English translations.  I ask this because I feel like my life has been turned into a bizarre version of this game.  The photo shows just a few of the activities I’ve engaged in (in bed) since coming home: sleeping (lots and lots), painting, reading, and writing.  I’ve also listened to music (Radiohead at the moment), given myself a manicure, eaten (oh the crumbs!), watched A LOT of television, movies, and lucky for me, entertained visitors.

Despite enjoying some of the Queen-like aspects of such an existence, I must admit that it’s been rather hard on me, and, sometimes, the dear hubster.  I am a homemaker by trade.  I think this is the first time I’ve admitted it so honestly.  Though I love to write, this is my bread and butter.  I receive great pleasure from keeping house: gardening, cooking, cleaning, sweeping.  To say it has not been easy to hand over all of these duties is putting it mildly.  At first it sounds good, and really is, because there’s no way anyone should engage in such activities after a surgery like mine, but then the reality of not being able to do it sets in, and it gets depressing.  I have shed quite a few tears over not being able to make the bed, water the garden, or do the laundry entirely on my own.  I have also been a little wicked and expressed my distaste at how the hubster doesn’t do things like me.  Bless his GIGANTIC heart, he has taken it all in stride and forgiven me my cruelty.  Oh, do I love him so.

However, I have a BUT for you, dear readers!  This morning, I actually had enough strength to water the garden, sweep the main floor, tidy up the TV room (which is upstairs!), and clean the kitchen.  Though it took twice as long as it normally would, and I did much of the cleaning while sitting down, I did it!  Progress!

Here’s a bit more, too.  This is a photo Gregory took of me on Friday (on his Blackberry – we haven’t graduated to taking the camera everywhere).  I am wearing the Office Tiara (maybe I am a queen – tee hee!) while waiting for my specialist and my first post-operative check-up.  She removed the remainder of my steri-strips (ouch!) from the incisions and was pleased as punch at the rate of healing (I still feel a bit like Frankenstein – more emotional work to do there).  I was given the all-clear for another two weeks, as well as a new hormone prescription that we hope will, as Liz said, “Keep the endometriosis on the run.”

Speaking of being on the run, I still can’t drive (lack of mobility + narcotics consumption= bad idea), but haven’t really wanted to anyway – there’s no place like home.  I’ve walked to the neighbor’s house with the help of my cane (watch out Kramer), and that seems plenty far to me.   Same goes for this post.  It’s been a busy day.  I think it’s time for a nap!

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