Under a Red Roof

Winning and Losing

August 29, 2011 in Feeling, Loving, Thinking by Colleen | 2 comments

The hubster and I ventured to our cute and very walkable farmer’s market this past weekend at Cafe au Play. It’s a coffee shop that had once been a super creepy market that was shut down by the Feds on drug charges, if I recall correctly. It was bought by a community non-profit and slowly turned into this sweet, family friendly place with lots of great landscaping (instead of an ugly blacktop) and now, a Farmer’s Market. We moseyed over on Saturday, buying some wine, beans, tomatoes, lettuce, fingerling potatoes, and blackberries (Martha – the season has arrived!). They had a raffle going, and with every purchase from a vendor, a ticket.

Imagine my surprise and delight when I got the call I had won! I have to say that I made out quite well. The green fabric bag contained doggie treats, which I gave to one of our favorite pooches in the world, Reggie (he gives them the paws-up!). The box was some kind of awesome chocolate hazelnut cake soaked in a bit of booze. The brown bag a scone mix. I also won a 30-minute massage, a wine tasting for four, and $5 off a pie-making class. Hoot and holler!

The bouquet looks lovely on the dining room table; we’ve already eaten all the berries; the corn will be dinner tonight; and the squash turned into bread some time soon. Thanks so much Cafe au Play!

And in the losing category – I had a complaint because I wrote someone had a big butt. I changed it for about a minute before deciding against it. I wrote what I saw. That was the gist of the post. If she had skinny legs, I would have written that, but she didn’t, so I didn’t, and offended someone. It’s okay if you don’t come back, Susie. I’ll understand.

Me and Camus

January 28, 2011 in Being, Feeling, Learning, Practicing by Colleen | 4 comments

So, I’ve been in a bit of a funk these past few months, mostly depressed with a chance of mild gloom and occasional laughter and smiles. There have been ample examples of feeling the sadness switch come on a hair’s breadth after a moment of sincere joy, bursting into tears in public for no good reason, and spending long spans with my eyes squeezed shut against the world.

Some of it is a sincere longing for accomplishment in my life. I want my novel published! I want to contribute financially to our household without doing crap work I don’t like. Is this ever going to happen? Anyone? The rest, I blame on genetics, as the melancholia, like the Force in Luke Skywalker, is strong in me. Thankfully, it is at its menacing worst only every few years, but dang, when it is here, it’s H-E-R-E, no matter what I do. Just in case you’re wondering about medication to get me through, no thanks. I’ve been down that road, and it was pretty awful. The side effects distracted me from my sorry mental state, to be sure, but certainly were not worth it. I lost hair, felt sick to my stomach much of the time, saw spots in my eyes, felt like I was on a merry-go-round every time I sat down, not to mention the literal and rather unpleasant taste in my mouth. It took my liver years to recover, and that, mind you, was before my fondness for whiskey!

Now, for a bit of cage rattling (like not posting a spotlight today – they’ll come when they come) and my friend Camus. I got to thinking about myself as Sisyphus and my gloom the rock. It should be punishment, right? The rock is heavy and burdensome and only comes rolling back down. But what if, like Camus, I didn’t see it as a burden but a struggle worthy of filling my heart? That’s life, isn’t it? It is my job to keep the rock going. I can do it with appreciation and joy at being given another day to do it, or I can focus on poor little me pushing a fucking rock. My choice. I choose happiness, whatever version that may be. A glimmer seen at a distance, a whole day of sunshine, or a fully belly laugh, I’ll take it.

I also choose to nourish myself with good habits. Instead of beating myself up for being depressed (so helpful!), I’m really trying to just acknowledge its presence and keep moving forward. Though the photo shows me about to indulge in a Beef Wellington (our delicious Christmas meal), I am eating healthier than ever – less sugar, less junk, more goodness. As well, I am shaking it up physically. The hubster and I are off to a big-band dance tonight (gotta love the Norse Hall), and, as of Monday, I started the Yoga Journal 21-Day Challenge – practicing every single day. I am eager to propel my body and mind to a new level of fitness, grace, and ease. Who knows, maybe I’ll push that rock right over the top!

Tags: Depression, Yoga

Heart

July 1, 2010 in Feeling, Quoting by Colleen | Permalink

There are people who take the heart out of you, and there are people who put it back.

Elizabeth David

…and sometimes a cat.

Thanks to all who give of their hearts.

Mine is yours, too.

Tags: Quoting

Waterworks

March 9, 2010 in Being, Feeling by Colleen | 4 comments

My blogger friend Lori asked me what I thought of the Oscars. The answer, as seen in in this slightly outdated photo of me: friends, I cried.

First, I cried at all the excitement and hope of the people in attendance, the fans waiting for a glimpse of a star. Then of course, it was the dresses, the beautifully draped fabrics, shimmering violet, blue, red, and gold. Then it was the winners (none of them disappointments, for once) and their heartfelt speeches. I kept exclaiming, aloud to myself, “That’s so nice!” and “How sweet!” Then it was the fact that a woman won best director for the first time in history yet did not make it about that but rather the film and the infinitely brave people who place themselves in harm’s way every single day, at home and abroad. There was no shortage of tears. Thank goodness I was alone, for a guest might not have known what to do with Little Miss Waterworks. Heck, I’m a little weepy as I type this, in memory, and the fact that the sound track to Out of Africa is playing in the background, and that, like so much music, always gets to me.

In all honesty, I cry a lot, for all manner of reasons: joy, kindness, love, cruelty, injustice, fear, longing, and, sometimes, I honestly couldn’t tell you why. The tears just come. I used to be embarrassed by this fact, which was made worse by someone exclaiming, and not in a friendly way, “You cry at the drop of a hat!” But in his infinite love and understanding, and my great privilege, the hubster told me it was such a gift, to feel so openly and honestly. I just can’t help myself, nor do I want to.

I am waking up, realizing this isn’t very specific to the actual Oscars, besides the crying, so a list:

* I liked the Neil Patrick Harris opener, but not because I like numbers like this, I just like him. He’s got gusto and makes me laugh.

* Alec and Steve were a little off in the opening but came into their own. I especially liked their hotel room scene.

* I really liked the dancing to the music of the best original score nominees.

* I liked the tribute to John Hughes, felt a little confused by the horror tribute (Jaws is horror?), and very sad when I remembered everyone who died, especially Brittany Murphy.

*As I stated earlier, for the first time I can remember, I wasn’t disappointed by any of the winners, so that was nice.

Short and Sweet

January 19, 2010 in Being, Eating, Feeling by Colleen | 1 comment

Great Tuesday greetings blog friends! I have a killer headache from some nasty head cold I can’t seem to shake. I feel well for a couple of days, and then it sneaks in through the back door, and I feel terrible for another day or two. So much for the super-hero immunity I thought I had. Boo.

Anyhoo, I can’t think very clearly, so you get some random thoughts about me.

1. I cry while watching award shows. So much sincerity and the love of telling and sharing stories, for aren’t we all a collection of words, experiences, and emotions?

2. I love peanut butter. Have I told you this before? I can’t remember. With jelly or chocolate, in a spicy satay, on a pancake, sprinkled with smoky salt, or slathered on a rye crisp.

3. I believe in the power of architecture: wood, steel, glass, concrete, and LOVE.

4. I love ruffles, pearls, velvet, and brooches – all the trappings of a woman with a girlish heart.

5. I love smoked fish – sardines, salmon, trout – best when purchased in early morning, at a shack by the sea, dearest friend at my side, the scent of the sea and warm smoky fish filling the air. A slice of heaven, for sure.