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Better

Freedom is nothing but a chance to be better.

Albert Camus

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My mind is mushy, and I have been glued to my seat for nearly two hours trying to write a post.  I’ve deleted a lot of sentences and looked at a lot of pictures.  I kept coming back to this one.  I love that smile.  It is so alive and full of content, a pleasure every time I see it.  It reminded me of the times I was happiest to see it, like our wedding day, and when I woke up from my surgery last year.  I was groggy, and a doctor was asking me my name and if I was okay, and then Greg’s face appeared and I felt such a rush of love.  He was there and smiling at me, too!

I then remembered another occasion, long ago.  We were midway through our honeymoon, a two month backpacking adventure across Europe.  We decided to take a vacation within our vacation in Nice, as spending a couple of nights in a city before moving on was wearing on us, so we found a neat hotel that had a full kitchen where we could make our own food, enjoy cold beverages from an actual refrigerator, eat bowls of cereal, and loll about on the beach.  It was grand.

Unfortunately, that wasn’t quite enough.  We found that we not only needed a vacation from our vacation but one from each other as well.  So we made plans to spend the next day apart.  Gregory wanted to find a book to read, and I was keen on doing a little shopping and wandering the streets on my own.  It started out marvelously, for it was June, and the weather lovely, and Nice is a very walkable city.  I was strolling and enjoying the sights when, rather unfortunately, I encountered a man who perhaps took my street walking a bit too literally?  He decided he would walk with me, despite my sincere protests to the contrary.  I was not at all happy with this arrangement, but this guy would not leave me alone.  Thankfully, his shoe came untied, and as he stopped to fix it, I made a break for it.  I don’t think I’ve ever moved as swiftly as I did then.  When I looked back and realized I was free of his company, I was so elated!  But the exhilaration of losing him didn’t last long, as I fretted that I would see him again, and I returned to the hotel, slightly defeated.

Upon entering the room, I saw the hubster lying on the bed, his magical smile looking back at me, and all was right with the world!  As it turns out, his day was less than ideal, as well.  He tried to buy a book, but it wouldn’t ring up correctly, and the women at the store asked him questions, to which he could give no reply, for his interpreter (moi) was not with him, and the only sentence he knew was of ill use.  “I don’t speak French, but my wife does.”

It was a great reminder of how wonderful it is to be together, and so we have stayed.

Without intending to, I’ve been on a bit of a reading hiatus.  I’ve started a few that I actually intend on finishing, but just couldn’t fully get into them.  Thankfully, dear Julia came to the rescue.  I put my name in the library queue for this last year, probably in September, and it finally made it to the top of the list.  This can be blamed on the fact that, if you look at the sticker on the cover, I read the LARGE PRINT edition, of which there is only one copy.  But, alas, as silver linings abound under this red roof, the book arrived in the right state, at just the right time.  I felt so gloomy last Monday, wondering about my life.   Then, when I started to read this boisterously large print, it was like having Julia’s effervescent personality reading aloud to me, the words bright, lively, and heartfelt. The two of us sat in my favorite chair, while she told me all about  her remembrances of la belle France, delicious food, and the perils of finding direction a bit later in life, for much like me, Julia Child knew what she didn’t want before she knew what she wanted, and then everything just felt right.

The story moves in time, from her first view of France at Le Havre, at the age of thirty-six, to her last day, closing up her beloved getaway La Pitchoune for the last time in 1992.  From her first meal to her last, Julia describes, in glorious detail, what a joy it was for her to discover French food and immerse herself completely in the mind boggling detail of its creation, the painstaking formulation of recipes, and testing, so much testing!  Batch after batch of mayonnaise down the toilet, yet totally worthwhile for the knowledge and pleasure it brought her.  She also writes about the perils of the publishing world, of working so hard for so long only to wonder if anyone, beyond her loved ones, would ever see the merit of her work. (Gulp.)

Though I certainly got a kick out of her love for all things French,  in and out of the kitchen, it was the relationship between Julia and Paul that resonated most with me.  They were such a delightful pair: witty, caring, and fun, too.  They gave marvelous parties, sent charming Valentines (they weren’t organized enough to send cards at Christmas), loved each other beyond measure, supported each other through thick and thin, and were, quite simply, the best companion each could ask for.

A bit of humor and wonder in the end.  The picture shows the lunch I was enjoying as I was reading.  I set the book down, and realized, what I was eating – a kiwi, carrot, sliced spicy pickle, and a breaded Quorn patty, slathered in homemade “Come Back” sauce (mayo, yellow mustard, ketchup, and pickle relish) and topped with pickled peppers.  Though I made the pickle and the relish, the irony of my choice, and Julia’s certain horror, made me laugh out loud.  Truth be told, I can be a very lazy cook, and thought I might be doing the world and the environment a favor by eating Quorn.  It’s vegetarian and doesn’t make me feel awful, like soy.  Now I’m not so sure.  The stuff is made in England.  That’s a tad further than the farms where New Seasons gets their chicken (as our friend Hans would say, “Which is more worser?”).  With that in mind, I felt inspired to make and freeze some chicken with various seasonings for other lazy lunches.  I think she would approve.

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341

Give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way.

Native American Saying

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Another, equally satisfying title to this post could be Yum, or Perfection.  Indeedy.  Chocolate and Cherries are hard to beat.  Something else that is hard to beat is sensibility.  If you’ve been reading for a while, you know how I wrestle with sugar, or, at least, how I have wrestled with it.  I am bad, weak, unhealthy, (insert other appropriate adjective), for eating the stuff.  I spent a lot of time on it, A LOT.  Many hours that, no doubt, added up to days of my life fretting about my consumption of sugar and how I really needed to let it go and be a better, stronger person.  Heavens to mergatroid was it ever taxing, and to what end?  Did I ever actually stop eating sugar?  Not for any extended period of time.  Did I ever feel better about myself for being my own persona non grata every time I consumed it?  Certainly not.  It was just ugly self-flagellation.

So now, in hopes of being kinder and gentler to my whole self, not just the parts that I’ve idealized, I’m going to eat it and do my darndest not to criticize or second guess myself for it.  If I so desire, I’m going to bake a cake, have a slice, and REALLY enjoy it (well, if it tastes good – I do have standards).  I don’t want to halfway enjoy it while simultaneously beating myself up for not being strong enough to say no or whatever.  I am laughing at myself as I type this!  How silly and schizophrenic I have been.  Life is meant to be enjoyed.

So, to the cake.  I call it zippy because it comes together very quickly and the sauce cooks while the cake bakes, so you can eat it warm from the oven.  I love that – impatience and deliciousness in one go.  I can’t remember where I first saw a recipe like this, maybe the Moosewood Cookbook?  It is vegan, moist, and delicious.  And, since this is the kind of gal I have become, I used whole wheat flour in place of some of the all purpose.  If I can make it a little healthier while still being utterly yummy, I’m going for it.

Zippy Chocolate Cake

1 cup whole wheat flour

1/2 cup all purpose flour

1/3 cup cocoa powder

1/2 cup sugar (So sorry!  I left this out the first time.)

1/2 teaspoon baking soda

1/2 teaspoon salt

1/3 cup vegetable oil

1 cup cold water or coffee

2 teaspoons vanilla

2 tablespoons apple cider vinegar

Preheat oven to 375.  Grease an 8″ square pan.  Sift dry ingredients together in a large bowl.  Combine wet ingredients.  Mix wet and dry together quickly until smooth.  Pour into prepared pan.  Bake 25 – 30 minutes, or until a toothpick comes out clean.  If you use the whole wheat flour, this may take longer.  It’s okay.

Serve plain or with fruit sauce (raspberry, peach, blueberry, strawberry, or plum would be good, too!).  I used my recipe included with pancakes, here.  It is also good frosted or sprinkled with powdered sugar, and eaten out of hand.

Enjoy!

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